A Night at the Golden Snail
by Mireille
Summary: Important note: I have pretty much given up on trying to finish this story. However, I am leaving it up because there are some scenes that I think are sort of comedic masterpieces. Sorry if anyone actually cares about this story.
1. Big Trouble

**A Night at the Golden Snail**

**Chapter 1 – Big Trouble**

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Boring stuff first.

Rating: PG-13 for swearing and a few oblique sexual references (this chapter)

Spoilers: all four books and _A Short Guide to Marauding_

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places that you recognize from canon, and I am not making money from their use.  If I were, I'd drop out of college and write fanfiction professionally.  Also, I am not Dave Barry, but he does not have exclusive rights to the words "big trouble," so there.

**IMPORTANT NOTE: **This story is a prequel to _A Short Guide to Marauding_, and was written with it very much in mind.  If you're visiting this universe for the first time, you should be able to follow the story, but there are some parts that you might not be able to appreciate.  In other words: 

**Go read _Short Guide_ first.**

For those of you who have, and wanted more, I am pleased – no, thrilled to present you with another Sirius and Remus tale. So let's get to it.

%%%

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.

~Sirius Black (GoF 525)

%%%

"Oh God," Sirius said.  "It's him."

All four of them looked up as Lockhart sauntered in and took a seat with Snape and his cronies.  Lockhart's robes flashed in the torchlight as he settled them around his chair with an artful flick of the wrist; they were embroidered down their full length with the initials JGL.

"Self-centered bastard," James said.

Remus snickered.

"What's so funny?" James demanded.  "I'm right, aren't I?"

"When are you ever wrong?" Remus said, soothingly.

Sirius had just opened his mouth to volunteer a few occasions when Peter said, "I really don't see why all the girls like him so much."

"Girls are suckers for anything wearing designer robes," James said knowingly.

"I wonder what he's doing here, though," Remus said.

"Probably another dress code violation," Sirius said.  "Not only is he self-centered and dense, he's also shockingly unoriginal."

"Shut it," James said, "here comes Paquerette."

The Potions professor sailed into the room, smiling at the miscreants exactly as though it was not eight o'clock on Saturday morning and there were not huge icicles hanging from the dungeon ceiling.  January at Hogwarts was not always what one would call cozy.

"All right," she said, unrolling a parchment, "here are your assignments.  Black, Sirius – you will teach the first years one Astronomy class."

"That's evil," Remus said.

"She said me first," Sirius said in a tone of wonderment.

James punched him in the shoulder.  "She's going in alphabetical order, you ninny."

"Bone, Steven – you will collect five grams of lionspaw and seven of snakeroot."

"Oh shit!" Sirius said.  "I have to teach Astronomy?"

"Crabbe, Alfonso – you will feed the Shriveling Sheep for the rest of the week."

"I hope they eat five times a day," Peter muttered.

"Goyle, Marcus – you will be doing errands for Professor Binns for the rest of the day.  I understand he wants his Bernian treatises moved to the fifth floor.  Oh, and no magic."

"I'm beginning to feel almost lucky," Sirius said to Remus.

"Lockhart, James – you will be helping Professor Philomena pot Paint Brushes."

"Excuse me, but will I be able to change?" Lockhart called out.

Professor Paquerette's gaze wandered down the rows of dazzling initials, and she almost smiled.  "I'm afraid not.  Lupin, Remus – you will be going through Mister Lockhart's trunk and removing any robes that do not comply with Hogwarts dress code."

Lockhart's magnificent blue glare was expressing a degree of hatred that Remus, up till then, had believed purely theoretical.

"Typical," Sirius said.  "She probably thinks you won't enjoy it."

Remus smirked.

James jabbed Remus in the ribs.  "This is the perfect opportunity to dig up some dirt about Blockhead," he hissed.

"Right."

"Like, say, boxers or briefs."

Remus looked singularly sick.

"Nott, Narcissa – you will be organizing all the minutes of the staff meetings."

"She's really quite pretty, isn't she?" Peter said.

"Mm-hm," Sirius agreed.

"Especially when she's bothered about something."

"Lucky for her that's all the time," James said sourly.  "Blonde Slytherin bitch."

Sirius startled and looked round at Narcissa.

"Pettigrew, Peter – you will be taking care of Mrs. Norris today.  She seems to have some sort of intestinal disorder, and Filch has quite enough messes to clean up already."

"Oh Merlin," Peter said, looking revolted.

"Potter, James – you will be repairing all of the school-owned broomsticks."

"Lucky bastard," Sirius said.  James grinned and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Snape, Severus – you will be preparing three batches of Pepper-Up Potion and five of Flu Philter for Madame Pomfrey, she's running dreadfully low and I haven't the time to do it myself."

"Lucky bastard," Sirius said.

Professor Paquerette rolled up her parchment.  "Right, everyone clear?  Did I forget any of you?  Very well then, off you go.  Oh, and Mister Lupin," she added, "I'd like a quick word with you."

"Lucky bastard," Sirius groaned, just before James swept him out the door.

Remus stood up and went reluctantly to the front of the room.  "What is it, Professor?"

"I, er… well, your task is rather delicate, and I trust that you won't indulge any of the opportunities that may present themselves."

"I wouldn't do anything like that," Remus said, faintly indignant.

"I know."  She gave him a dazzling smile.  "But your friends might."

Professor Paquerette produced two keys and gave them to Remus.  "This one is for the seventh-year boys' dorm, and this one is for Mister Lockhart's trunks.  Oh, and the password to the Slytherin common room is 'left-handed snail.'  I assume you know where the entrance is?"

Remus blushed.  "Believe me, I never intended – "

"Oh, I couldn't punish you for knowing where it is," she said blithely.  "Only if you'd actually gotten in."

Remus had, actually, several times.  His blush deepened.

"Well, have fun," she said.

Once Remus had gotten down the hall a ways, it occurred to him to marvel at the cruelty of the universe.  Why was it, he wondered, that a person invariably wound up with something that someone else wanted?  Then he wondered who had wound up with what he wanted.  And what that was, exactly.

%%%

It was Monday night and Sirius's roommates were being unusually supportive of his frantic efforts to put together an Astronomy lesson.  This meant that they were gathered around the fire in the common room, making toasted marshmallow sandwiches, while Sirius was upstairs doing whatever it was that needed doing.

"I wouldn't know," James said, accepting the bag of marshmallows from Remus.  "I've never taught an Astronomy lesson in my life."

It occurred to Remus that Sirius suffered from a similar lack of experience, but he recognized the thought as one of those that James really didn't want to hear.  He shrugged and ate another marshmallow.

"So Remus," James said.  "I completely forgot to ask you, what did you find out about the blond bimbo downstairs?"

"Oh, lots," Remus said.  "If you want to know what brand of hair gel he uses."

"Doesn't he have like a diary?" James asked.  "Or a Pensieve, or something to hold all his inner demons?"

"Well," Remus said, "he does have a diary, which I naturally read.  To be honest, it flew open the minute I spotted it – he must have charmed it or something – so there was no excuse not to read it, really."

"Ah," said James.  "So, what did Lackwit have to say?"

"He spent three months' pocket money on his latest set of dress robes, which are lime green," Remus said.  "He thinks Sally Mae Robison likes him, because she's bumped into him in the hall five times so far this year.  His roommates don't understand his sensitive nature, his highest ambition is to model for _Wizard Quarterly _–"

"Never mind," James said.

"You know, his self-interest would be a lot less pathetic if there were something there to be interested in," Remus observed.

"Bull," James said.  "'Spose I'll have to get creative.  Say, Pete, what's that you're reading?"

Peter jerked and looked up at them.  "Er, nothing."

"Oh, it's that sort of nothing, is it?" James said gleefully, noting Peter's rising blush.  "Peter, normal people read those in the privacy of their own room, not out here where everyone – "

The door leading to the boys' dorms ricocheted off the wall and Sirius barged into the room.  "Could someone please tell me how many moons Saturn has?" he demanded of his three friends.

James snickered.  "Why're your glasses on upside-down?"

Remus looked at Peter, who was already back inside the pages of his book.  "Nine, maybe?" Remus said.

"I wouldn't bloody know, now would I?" Sirius snapped.  "Could one of you at least tell me how long until I have to know?"

"It's nine forty-two," James said.

"Oh bloody hell!" Sirius said.  "How late's the library open?"

"Just take the cloak," James said.  "Actually, you might not want it.  I mean, if Filch catches you, you'll miss the lesson, right?"

"Yes," Sirius said.  "And I won't even need an excuse, because they'll be able to hear my tortured screams from high atop the Astronomy tower.  Well, I'm off."  Sirius headed for the dormitories.

"Are we waiting up or not?" Remus said.

"Might as well," James said.  "You know he's going to wake us up when he comes in anyway."

"And I'm not going up there until I have to," Peter added.  "It reeks like cabbage."

"Okay," Remus said.  "Maybe I'll get some studying done then."  He summoned his Charms book from where it lay on the couch.

"Oh, well in that case I'll just have a bit of a nap," James said irritably.  "Losers."

Sirius reemerged, his robe suspiciously lumpy, carrying a battered almanac and a red-and-white striped stocking cap.

"Oh, Sirius, you can borrow my favorite hat if you like, no need to ask," Remus said, annoyed.

"Thanks," Sirius said over his shoulder, slamming the Fat Lady behind him.

Remus sighed explosively and opened his book.

Sirius reappeared at ten after one.  By then the fire had burnt itself down to coals, and James was playing a desultory game of solitaire by its feeble glow.  Remus was asleep, his arm dangling over the edge of the couch and his Charms book wedged in between two cushions.  Peter was nowhere to be seen.

James looked up as Sirius thumped onto the couch, waking Remus.

"You bastard," Remus mumbled.  "Now I'll never get back to sleep."

"How was it?" James said.

Sirius scowled.  "An hour of terrible, unrelenting puns on my name."

"I'm sorry," Remus said.  "But you deserved it.  Now can I have my hat back?"  He snatched it off Sirius's head without waiting for a reply and stomped off to the dorms.

"What is his _problem_?" Sirius said.  "He's going to wake everyone up."

"That reminds me," James said.  "What're you brewing up there now?  Because it smells like sauerkraut."

"Oh, that," Sirius said.  "I'll put out some more air fresheners tomorrow."

"Isn't there some sort of charm for that?"

"Well, yes," Sirius said, "but the residual magic might affect my potions."

"We cast spells in there all the time and your potions seem to turn out just fine," James said.

"Can we argue about this in the morning?"

"Certainly," James said, climbing onto a couch and stretching out.  "I'll see you then."

%%%

Remus woke up at six thirty-three, and discovered that the stench was reaching critical levels.  Bleary-eyed, Remus scuffed on his slippers, gathered everything he needed for the rest of the day, and tipped the pile out into the corridor, where the air was thin enough to breathe.  Then Remus went to the prefects' bathroom for a leisurely bath, vaguely noting on his way through the common room that James was asleep on one of the couches.  He reminded himself to retrieve his Charms book on the return trip.

It was only a quarter after seven when Remus returned; forty-five minutes yet until breakfast.  He encountered Peter in the hallway outside their room, constructing his own pile.

"Where's Sirius?"  Remus began poking through a heap of his robes.

Peter jerked his thumb at the closed door.

"What've we got today?"

"Er – History, CMC, and Charms."

"Oh shit, Charms!"  Remus ran for the common room, returning a minute later with his book.

Peter looked up.  "I did the homework, if you want to copy," he said.

"Thanks, but I did it."  Remus riffled through the book.  "At least I think I did it.  I _remember_ doing it, anyway."

"One time I thought I remembered doing my homework, but it was actually just a dream," Peter offered.

"_Accio_ homework!" Remus snapped, and ten seconds later he, Peter and their belongings were islands in a sea of hundreds of parchments.

Peter waded out of the pile and inspected a few of the scrolls.  "I think you've got the entire school's homework here," he said, and began to giggle.

Remus put his head in his hands.  "I hate my life," he said.

"You might be a bit more specific next time," Peter said, in between giggles.

Somehow Remus managed to get all the blasted scrolls down to Great Hall.  Somehow he managed to conjure a table to put them all on, and a sign that said "Missing Homework."  Then he went back to the common room.  James was just waking up.

"Morning," he said cheerfully, seeing Remus.  "Best I've felt in weeks.  There'd better be something good for breakfast, I'm starving."

"Well, I'm not going," Remus said darkly.

"Why not?"

"Because – "  Remus couldn't say.  They would find out soon enough when they got down to Great Hall and saw the entire school scrabbling through a pile of parchment – 

–  In which his Charms homework was hiding.  And probably, come to think of it, his Runes homework too.

Remus wished he could just crawl into a hole somewhere, fall asleep and not wake up until he was dead.

Just then Sirius entered the common room, smirking, trailed by a wheezing Peter.

"Remus, Peter's just told me – where'd Remus go?  He was standing here a second ago – "

Remus stood there bewildered, until he realized what must have happened – his feelings had gotten so out of control that he'd managed a wandless Invisibility spell – but there was nowhere to go.  Every exit involved a door, which still had to open for him, invisible or not – and, Remus suddenly realized, his invisible weight was still making two foot-shaped depressions in the rug.  Slowly and carefully, he moved off the rug to stand on the stone floor, and listen to his friends.

"Where in blazes did he go?" Sirius was saying.  "He didn't have the cloak, did he?"

"Well, I don't know, what'd you do with it last night?"

"Er – I put it on your bed, but it was still there when I came down, I think."

"Great," James said.  "Now it's going to smell like sauerkraut, exactly like you and everything else in that shithole.  Couldn't you at least – "

"What time is it?" Peter said.  "I need a shower."

"Seven fifty-seven," James snapped, and Peter ran for the boys' dorms.

"You didn't look at a clock," Sirius said, "so how would you know?"

"The point being, I don't know what you intend to do about that toxic waste factory, but it had better involve all my stuff not smelling like crap," James said.  "And now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to the prefects' bathroom to try to make myself look human."  He left violently by the portrait hole, leaving Sirius alone with invisible Remus.

"Shit," Sirius said, sinking onto an armchair and hiding his face in his hands.  "Peter _always_ takes forever in the shower."

Remus started sidling toward the portrait hole.  He was starting to feel a little panicky.  Not having consciously cast the spell, he couldn't control how long it would last, and finding himself in a room with Sirius, when he was in this sort of temper –

Sirius jerked upright.  "Who's shuffling?  Remus, if it's you, drop the spell."

"I can't," he said sulkily.  "I didn't cast it."

Sirius smirked.  "Don't worry, I can fix that.  Wait right here."

Remus did, for lack of a better idea.  Sirius returned two minutes later with a bottle of water that was not empty until he had thoroughly soaked Remus with it.

Remus stood there gasping, his hair dripping cold water into his collar, and said, "You shitfaced scum."

"It worked," Sirius said.  "Didn't it?"

"And you enjoyed it," Remus said.  They stared at each other for a minute, and then Sirius smirked and said, "You might at least say thank you."

He turned and left, presumably to kick Peter out of the shower.

Remus hurled a Drying Charm at the floor with all the strength he possessed.  Now he wanted to kill Sirius, and then die a hasty, inconspicuous death himself.

It might have been a better start to the morning.

%%%

After Charms they all went back up to their room and stood outside the door.  Even in the corridor, it reeked.

"I think something must have died in there," James said.  "Sirius, would you go check?"

"Nothing's died," Sirius said indignantly.  "That smell means it's nearly done."

"Praise God," Remus said, not too quietly.

Sirius glowered at him, and went in.

The other three hovered near the door, equally repelled by the stench and fascinated by Sirius's latest brew, but not to the point of actually venturing inside.

Finally Sirius reemerged into the hallway, attended by the specter of his potion.

"It only needs two more days," he announced.

"Two more days?" the other three whined almost simultaneously.

"That settles it," James said.  "I'm moving out.  Peter, if you'll strip the bed while Sirius gets the trunk – "

"There is _no_ way I'm going in there," Peter said.

James picked up Peter's book bag, opened the door, and slung it in.

"Dipshit," Peter said bitterly, and went in.  Sirius followed.

James shrugged.  "What the hell, the stink's probably all out here by now."  He went in too.

That left Remus.  He considered using Summoning Spells to gather his bed sheets, for about four seconds, before the disastrous events of the morning recalled themselves to him.  The entire school's homework was one thing, but the entire school's bedding would surely suffocate him.  So Remus went in.

He was surprised to find the room exactly as he had last seen it.  With a smell that apocalyptic, he had rather expected ashes and dust, or at least peeling paint and dead cockroaches.  Against his better judgment, Remus went over to stand next to Sirius by the potion, and the stink grabbed him by the throat and squeezed.  Sirius, sensing his presence, handed Remus a mask; Sirius was already wearing his own, along with goggles and a pair of elbow-length rubber gloves that fit over the sleeves of his robe.

"What does it do?" Remus asked.

"Er – clears up your face."

Remus looked at the glutinous blue mixture.  He fancied he could see stink waves coming off it.  "Does it actually work?" he said.

Sirius sighed.  "I won't find out until I try it."

Behind them, James was peeling the sheets off his bed, wadding them up and tossing them out the door.  Peter, meanwhile, was staggering under the weight of James's magically expanded trunk.

"Don't you know the Lightening Charm?" James said irritably.  "We only learned it four years ago."

Peter wrinkled his nose.  "What good would lightning do?"

James sighed.  "You could at least levitate it."

"But I'd drop it!" Peter squealed, as the trunk slipped in his sweaty hands.

"Oh, _here_ – "  James cast the spells to shrink and lighten the trunk, and snatched it out of Peter's hands.  "Get the sheets," he directed, "and make me up a bed on one of the couches."

James stomped out, with Peter following after.

Remus went over to his bed and began to strip off the sheets, with some vague notion of making himself a tent underneath one of the tables in the common room.  "Aren't you moving out?" he said to Sirius.

"Course not," Sirius said.  "I've put up with worse."

"Like what?" Remus couldn't help asking.

"You three," Sirius said instantly.

Remus knew that even James and Peter after Quidditch practice had never smelled half that bad, but all he said was "Uh-huh," gathering up his sheets.  "Have fun," he added over his shoulder as he left.

Unable to see around his bundle of bedding, Remus ran right into someone, just outside their door.

"What're you doing?" the other said suspiciously.

Remus lowered his bundle and recognized Artie Guardman, an exceptionally nosy first year.

"Our house-elf's sick, so I'm taking the laundry," Remus said curtly.  "Now, if you don't mind – "

Too late.  Artie had spotted the piles of junk outside their door, and by the way his nose was wrinkled, he'd gotten a whiff of Sirius's concoction too.

"What's all that stuff doing in the hall?" he said.  "And what's that smell?  You're not allowed to cook in your room, you know."

Remus snorted.  "You mean to tell me you'd eat something that smells like _that_?"

Artie sniffed again, inquiringly.  "Bit like sauerkraut, actually," he said.

Remus had to admit the squirt was right.  He did not, however, have to admit it out loud.  "Get out of my way," Remus said.  "The house-elves are simply dying to wash this."

"I'll tell McGonagall on you," Artie said.

Remus was rapidly losing patience.  "Will you?" he sneered.  "By the time you get her up here there won't be a feather out of place.  Now get out of the way, you smarmy interfering snitch."

"You could get detention for this," Artie said.

"That doesn't scare me.  I've had more detentions than you have teeth in your head.  Sirius!" he called.  "A full Body-Bind out here, please."

Sirius came out of the room, pulling his wand out of his belt.  He looked rather frightening, with the goggles and the mask and the hair sticking out in back.  Artie squeaked and launched himself down the corridor.  Remus stood aside to give Sirius a clear shot, and Artie went down with a thump.

Sirius brushed past Remus and knelt down next to Artie.  "You smell that?" he said.  "It isn't sauerkraut, and if you rat us out I'll make you eat the whole cauldronful.  Okay?"

Sirius stood up and headed back to the room.  As he passed, Remus said, "Thanks."

"I hate him as much as you do," Sirius said diffidently, going back inside and closing the door.

As Remus went by the immobile Artie, he said, "It'll wear off in an hour or so if you don't struggle.  I ought to know – I've been frozen more times than an ice cube tray, myself."

%%%

Thursday night was Sirius's second and last Astronomy class.  He came into the common room shivering so hard he couldn't walk straight.

"I think I must be made of ice," Sirius said to himself, wishing he could just curl up in the embers and sleep there.

"Quiet, you'll wake James."

Sirius jerked convulsively.  "Dear God, Remus!  Where is he?"

"In my spot."  Remus pointed to a heap of blankets in the corner.  "He decided we needed to switch places because it was too noisy over here.  I can see his point," Remus added darkly.

"Well, you'll be glad to know I'm through with those brats for eternity," Sirius said, turning to warm his backside from the coals.  "And if you ever say that other S-word that sounds exactly like my name, I will cut off your arms and beat you to death with them."

Remus pulled his covers up to his nose and smirked.  "Sounds painful."

"Not half so much as the pipsqueaks' puns.  Oh, by the way, thanks for letting me borrow your hat," Sirius said.  "It really saved my ears out there."

"When I said you could borrow it, I was being sarcastic."

"You said I could borrow it?" Sirius said.  "Well, never mind.  Here you go.  Sorry it smells like sauerkraut."

Remus clenched his fists so tightly he could see his heart beating on their backs, until Sirius dropped the hat on them.

"Speaking of which," Sirius said, turning back to face the coals, "the potion's done."

Remus snapped his head up.  "It is?"

"Yup," Sirius said, wiggling his fingers at the embers.

"Does it – er, is the smell – "

"Burnt itself out in the final explosion," Sirius said cheerfully.  "I cleaned up most of the splattering, but the smoke stains just won't come out.  I guess I'll be painting over that, too."

"Great," Remus said.  "Would you mind helping me get the bedding back upstairs?"

"Sure," Sirius said.  "I've got your pillow."  He whipped it out from under Remus's head and went for the stairs.

Remus continued to lie there for a minute, just looking at the ceiling and wondering why even his friends were such assholes.  In that moment, he felt an unexpected kinship with Severus Snape.  Particularly in light of that nameless incident of two months ago, Remus could see himself hating Sirius, James and Peter for the rest of his life, just because they could be such consummate jerks.

He got out of bed and looked down at his favorite hat in the world, which was still giving off a faint cabbagey fragrance.  He wished suddenly that there were some way to kill Sirius and make it look like a simple potions accident.  At least Sirius was thoughtless enough to make the scenario believable.

Remus tore the sheets off the couch and wadded them up, his hat crushed in the middle.  In a fit of pique, Remus decided not to let James know about the room being safe.  After all, James would not thank him for disturbing his sleep.  And he did look cozy, over there in Remus's corner.

So Remus headed for the stairs, trailing sheets behind him, and blearily made his way to their room.  He stepped over Peter, who was curled up in the corridor directly in front of the doorway, and walked in.

"Ah, Remus!" said Sirius.  "You didn't happen to do your Charms homework, by any chance?"

%%%

I am indebted to the following:

Kurohyou, for that fantabulous review of the last chapter of _Short Guide_, for being interested in the whys and wherefores, and for requesting more Sirius and Remus.  This part is for you.

My sister Ruth, for showing me how I had imagined Sirius and Remus to look all along; and for helping me figure out that the itch I was feeling was really the desire to write more of them.  And for letting me bounce ideas off her while she was valiantly attempting to do her homework.  Thanks, darling.

_A Charmed Life_ by Francis Bridger.  He articulated many of the things I'd sort of felt about the HP books, but his brief discussion of MWPP's friendship, versus that of HHR, is what really shaped my vision of them for this story.

Ohio University, which does not require my presence again until 6 January.  Score!

Please tell me what you thought of it, any of several ways – You could review, or e-mail me at cornishpixie4@hotmail.com, or talk to me online – AIM screen name is bonaldbuck.  See ya in the next part.


	2. The Velvet Curtain Opens

**A Night at the Golden Snail**

Chapter 2 – The Velvet Curtain Opens

**WARNING: There is one brief kiss in this part, between two guys (no prizes for guessing who – also no saliva or tongues).  If that sort of thing squicks you, you need to stop reading Harry Potter fanfic.  Go check out the L.M. Montgomery stuff instead.**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Potter-related and I am not making money off its use. Also, I do not own Moulin Rouge, neither do I claim to have invented the lines from this movie that I used in this part. Finally, I do not mean to offend anyone – it was written in good fun, so please take it in that spirit. Author's note at the end – your questions addressed.

%%%

_Remus was dreaming._

_He was standing in the middle of a field of flowers the boundaries of which he could not see. Only they weren't flowers, they were egg beaters, every size and color they could possibly be. Then he was walking amongst the egg beaters, and then with no warning he was clear of the field, and sitting on the ground before him was a shoe. It was a woman's black high-heeled dress shoe with two straps and a gold buckle. Remus knew that he had to pick it up, but he also knew that if he did, it would bite his hand off._

_Inexplicably, the scene shifted and Remus was in __Italy__, in a house with white walls and white curtains fluttering in a white breeze. He was wearing white (he was not in the dream but outside it looking at it like a portrait) and Artie Guardman was sitting across the table from him, wearing a suit. _

_"Do you want any tea?" said Artie._

Then Remus woke up.

"Oh dear God," he groaned quietly into his pillow, before realizing that the dream hadn't particularly bothered him, considering all the dreams he could have had. In fact, it had actually been a pleasant dream, except for the rather disturbing egg beater sequence.

"Why can't I have prophetic dreams like everyone else?" he said to himself. "Or at least relevant ones."

It was Saturday, and Remus luxuriated in the knowledge that he technically did not have to get out of bed until Monday morning. After fifteen minutes or so, Remus realized that he wasn't going to fall back asleep, so he got up.

Sirius was the only one in the room, and he was bent over something on the desk. Remus shambled over to see what it was.

"_Another_ cauldron?" Remus said. Sirius bought cauldrons like some women bought shoes.

"Well, I didn't have a size five yet," Sirius said defensively. "And it was on sale."

"You've been to Hogsmeade already this morning?" Remus said.

Just then the door flew open and Peter ran in, his Quidditch robes flapping behind him. He took off the Quidditch robes and replaced them with standard-issue black, Remus and Sirius watching his frenetic activity with some amusement.

"Either of you seen my winter cloak?" Peter asked, rooting underneath his bed.

"Where's James?" Remus said.

Peter paused, spread-eagled on the ground, his head hidden beneath the coverlet. "At practice?"

"Why aren't you there?" Sirius demanded.

Peter squirmed out from underneath the bed, sat back on his heels and gave the other two a look that discreetly inquired what planet they had been living on for all of their benighted lives. "Don't you know what _day_ it is?"

"January tenth?" Sirius said, looking hopelessly confused. "It _is_ Saturday, right?"

"Would everyone please stop asking questions?" Remus snapped.

Peter and Sirius both glared at him.

"Fine," Remus said, "will you just – I mean, tell us why you aren't at practice."

Peter sighed the sigh of the terminally misunderstood. "Today's the day that the third book in the Velvet Curtain trilogy comes out. It's called _A Night at the Golden Snail_."

"Did you get _any_ of that?" Sirius whispered to Remus.

"I've been waiting for a whole three months!" Peter went on, shining with excitement. "This one's supposed to be almost a hundred pages long. Plus, if the rumors are true, Christine is going to come back to life and she and Sebastian are going to run away together!" Peter was so excited at the prospect that he actually clapped his hands. "Well, I'd better get to Hogsmeade," he added, taking a fistful of Galleons out of his trunk and stuffing them into the pockets of his robe. "If Flourish and Blotts is sold out, I'm absolutely going to kill myself. See you all later." He left.

Remus and Sirius stood there, staggered.

"What was that all about?" Remus said after the first few minutes of bamboozled silence.

"What'd he say it was called?" Sirius went to the desk and began scrabbling for pen and paper.

"The velvet curtain, I think," Remus said. "Why, does that mean something to you?"

Sirius stood up, flapping the parchment back and forth to dry the ink. "Not a thing. But you and I are going to the library to find out what exactly has got our Peter in such a tizzy."

Sirius and Remus did not fully understand what they were getting themselves into until they reached the common room and discovered half of Gryffindor House dancing on the tables, the girls wearing dresses with frilly skirts and quill-thin heels, the boys wearing suits in the Muggle fashion of three-quarters of a century ago. A banner hanging above the fireplace read, "A Night at the Golden Snail – 10 January 1976."

"What is going on here?" Sirius yelled above the chatter and the pulsating music, shoving his way through the crowd with Remus close behind.

Just then, somebody yelled, "Everybody can-can!" And everybody did. Sirius and Remus made a break for the door, gaining the hallway just in time to avoid being pierced by a thousand needle-sharp spike heels and whipped by a thousand frothy skirts.

Sirius slammed the portrait on the flailing chaos and they both took a deep, grateful breath.

"What in blazes was that?" said Remus.

The Fat Lady glared at them over top of a book which, Remus noticed, had a picture of a gently flapping curtain on its front cover. "Don't tell me you boys have never heard of the Golden Snail?" she said in an accusatory tone.

Sirius looked at Remus. "We'd better take the shortcut," he said.

Within ten minutes, they had arrived at the library. It was deserted except for Madam Pince, who was wearing another of the cloud-like dresses, along with violently red lipstick and haloes of blue shadow around each eye. Her mousy hair was secured on top of her head in reluctant curls. She was reading a book identical in appearance to the Fat Lady's. She leaped out of her chair when Sirius and Remus came in, and scurried back behind the desk.

"What do you two want?" she said, even more irritably then usual, and Madam Pince was always irritable.

"What's with the music?" Sirius said suspiciously. "You're always telling us – "

"We want to know if you have any books about a velvet curtain," Remus interrupted, hoping to stave off the impending fight.

He had said the right thing. Madam Pince's eyes widened, and her painted face took on an expression of utter devotion. "Are you fans, too?" she breathed.

"We wouldn't be asking for the books if we'd read them already," Sirius snapped.

Madam Pince sniffed. "Actually, most people read them multiple times. I've only read them five times, myself."

"But do you have them?" Remus said.

"I'm afraid not," she said, not looking very repentant. "All the copies of the first two have been out for weeks, and so are four of the five copies of the third book."

"Where's the fifth?" Sirius said.

Madam Pince picked up her book again and resumed reading. "You wouldn't want it anyway," she said. "You'd never be able to appreciate it."

"So where can we find them?" Remus said.

She didn't even look up. "You might try Hogsmeade," she said.

They didn't say a word until they were out in the hall.

"So," Sirius said. "Do you think we ought to go?"

Remus looked grim. "It can't be worse than the common room."

When they got to Hogsmeade and saw the line outside of Flourish and Blotts, which extended the entire length of Main Street, Remus admitted that he might have been wrong.

"Every witch and wizard from fifty miles around is here!" Sirius yelled. "What do you mean _maybe_ we can't get the books?"

They skirted the line and went to the Three Broomsticks, with equally bad luck; there wasn't a single seat open in the place.

"The wait's only twenty minutes," Madam Rosmerta told them.

Sirius sighed. "We'd better not. Twenty minutes is twice my attention span."

Outside again, Sirius said, "This sucks pond water. I'm going back up to the castle. At least it's warm there."

"Okay, but I'm staying," Remus said. "I have to get some more parchment."

Sirius snorted. "Good luck."

In fact, Remus had no such intention. Sirius was turning seventeen a week from Tuesday, and Remus needed to buy him a present. Fortunately, he had already decided what to get, and he passed a pleasant half-hour waiting in line and picturing with increasing glee the mayhem probably taking place in Gryffindor Tower, what with the party in the common room and Peter skipping out of practice early, and all.

Eventually, Remus emerged onto the street clutching his package. He'd had nothing to eat that day, so he thought he'd go look for some food, and ended up browsing through a guitar store for an hour. He would have bought one, too, if he'd had more than a Galleon and a few Knuts on him. As it was, he emerged from the shop shaking his head, wondering what had possessed him. A guitar was something you begged your parents to get you as your one and only birthday present, not something you picked up in Hogsmeade on a whim.

So Remus went back to the castle, stopping by the kitchen for a snack, and approached the common room with an apprehension that was entirely unwarranted, since the place was deserted. "Maybe they finally got sick of it," Remus said to himself, proceeding to the dormitory.

There, it was considerably more lively. There were no less than seven students, all of whom Remus recognized as third years or younger, clustered outside their door. One or two of them even had sleeping bags.

"What _is_ this?" Remus groaned. "I thought we disbanded the James Potter fan club."

"We're waiting for Peter to finish reading," one of them said.

"He told us we could have it after he was done," another of the mites added.

Remus didn't have to ask what. "Just please move away from the doorway so I can get in, thank you very much."

The mites obediently shifted and Remus went in.

"New cologne, James?" he said, wafting the fumes away from his nose as he shut the door.

"No, it's another infernal potion," James said from his position on the floor. "Say, could you hand me that magazine on the bed?"

Remus complied, and then went over to the desk where Sirius was carefully sifting eraser crumbs into his new cauldron.

"What's that do?" Remus said.

"It partially blocks your magic for a few hours."

"Dangerous stuff," Remus remarked.

Sirius smirked. "Particularly around test days. You get your parchment all right?"

Remus had almost forgotten about the package in his hand. "Fine, thanks," he said, moving over to his trunk so he could get it locked safely away before Sirius needed to borrow some. "By the way," he said, "who broke up the party?"

"Oh," James said, "they're just taking a break. I imagine they'll get started after supper with some real absinthe."

"You've read the books too, then?" Remus said.

"Of course not," James said. "Books are for wallies. But everyone knows all about them anyway. They're like the best-selling books in fifty years."

"Then how come I've never heard of them until today?" Remus said.

"Peter's been reading them all year," James said. "I would have thought you'd notice that, at least."

"I have other things to do besides catalogue Peter's reading material," Remus snapped.

"You talk about me like I'm not here," Peter said in a wounded voice, from behind his closed bed curtain.

"Those must be some trashy books if you have to hide behind your curtain to read them," Remus said.

"They are not!"

"Peter, they take place in a brothel, and the heroine is a cheap whore," James pointed out.

"She isn't cheap!"

"Shut up and read, Peter," shrilled one of the mites through the keyhole.

"You shut up, or I'll double the price," Peter bellowed. "And don't forget, one of you has to bring me supper."

"Couldn't you just go downstairs and read while you're eating?" Remus said, very quietly.

"I'd be mobbed," said Peter with miserable certainty. "I got the last freaking copy in the entire town, and there were still five trillion people in line to sign the waiting list."

"Shit," Remus said reverently. "That must be some book."

"Actually, I like the second one better, so far," Peter said.

"Don't spoil it for us, Peter."

"Pipe down out there or I'll let Sirius test his potion on you."

Remus began searching through his trunk. "Do any of you have a tux, or do I have to transfigure something?"

Later on, they all went down to supper. Actually only Remus and James went. Peter couldn't, and all the pipsqueaks but the one getting dinner were staying, so Sirius refused to leave his potion unattended with them nearby. Luckily, their absence went unnoticed since above half the students had decided to skip dinner that night. Presumably they were either attending parties of their own or trying to get hold of the elusive book.

Remus stuffed his pockets full of pastry and added a few extra for Sirius, then he and James went back upstairs to get ready for the party. They were disgusted to find that Peter had finished already and had let the first lucky pipsqueak into their room to read the book.

"I just can't trust these first years alone with my book," Peter said.

Remus snorted. This particular first year had cascades of wispy hair and wood-brown Bambi eyes. It was hard to imagine a pixie like her running off with Peter's book, much less reading it in the first place, if James was correct.

"I'll be in the prefects' bathroom," James said, making a hasty exit.

Remus swore. "Now I can't go till he's done. He always stinks the place up like cinnamon. I guess I'll have to try making a tux somehow."

"Are you going to the party?" said the waifish firsty, peering over top of the book.

"Yeah." Remus laid his best robe out on the bed.

"Are you going to be there a while?"

"Dunno," Remus said, hunting for his wand.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

Remus looked around. He recognized a certain particular look in those guileless eyes. "No," he said. "But I do have a boyfriend."

Peter choked on his pastry.

"Who?" pursued the nymphet.

"Him," Remus said, pointing to Sirius, who also choked.

"You don't act like it," she said accusingly.

"It's a secret," Remus said. "What's your name, kid?"

"Ellie," she breathed. "Ellie Tweazel."

"Now listen, Ellie," he said, "nobody else in the world knows about this and I need you to keep very, very quiet about it. Don't tell a single person, okay? Will you do that?"

Ellie looked at him with adoring eyes. "Yeah," she said, "but only if you kiss me."

"What?" Remus yelped. "I can't do that."

Sirius stalked over, his goggles around his neck and powdered sugar all down his front from the pastries. "I'm the jealous type," he said calmly. "I might go into a murderous rage."

"Fine," Ellie said. "Dance with me at the party."

"Fine," Remus said. "If you'll shut up so I can transfigure this thing in peace."

"Remus," Sirius said, "we need to talk."

He folded his arms. "I'm listening."

"Not here," Sirius hissed.

"Where then?" Remus said. "Out in the hall?"

Sirius scowled. "Come on." He grabbed Remus's sleeve and propelled him out the door.

"Ooo," Ellie said, watching with round eyes. "Are they going to fight, or kiss, or both?"

"I hope not," Peter said, summoning the remainder of Sirius's pastries. "Now shut up and read."

They went into their bathroom, just across the hall. Sirius put a Silencing Charm on the door and then said, in a deadly voice, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I couldn't tell her I was single," Remus yelped. "She was looking at me like I was a Popsicle or something."

"You could have just told her you fancy boys," Sirius groaned. "Why involve me?"

"She would have made me kiss her otherwise," Remus said. "You didn't see the look in her eyes. It was positively predatory."

"One kiss wouldn't have killed you."

"No, but I'd rather my first kiss _wasn't_ in front of my friends."

Silence in the bathroom.

"You're kidding me, right?"

Remus shook his head minutely.

"No way," Sirius said. "We have got to do something about that."

"Are you volunteering?" Remus snapped. "You could probably use the experience too."

Sirius went red. "I'll just tell Ellie we broke up."

"That'll never work," Remus said. "Not only would I have to kiss her, but then she'd think I'm single."

"You are single."

"Shut up. I just don't want her stalking me for the rest of the year."

"Yeah, well, I don't want to go out with you for the rest of the year," Sirius said.

"Shit," Remus said. "Do you think she'd keep quiet if you kissed her?"

"There's no way around it, Remus. We have to break up, and you have to kiss her."

"We're not going out."

"Shut up." Sirius pushed him toward the door. "Act one, scene one, the unfaithful lover."

Remus shoved the bathroom door open and howled, "You heartless bastard!" as he ran for their room.

"Remus, please," Sirius whined. "Give me one more chance."

Remus wrenched the door handle. It was locked. "I'm through with you forever, you cheating scum," he yelled into the keyhole.

Sirius caught him by the waist from behind and Remus twisted around. "You still want me," Sirius breathed, smelling sweetly of pastry and potion.

"This isn't – " In the script, he was about to say, when Sirius kissed him. Just brushed his lips, really, but it was enough to make Remus go limp from shock.

"Woah," said one of the munchkins.

Suddenly aware of their audience, Remus pushed Sirius away, and Sirius let him. "Don't _do_ that," Remus said.

The door swung open.

"What in the deuce?" said Peter.

Remus darted in. "Don't let him in," he said, and shut the door on Sirius and the munchkins.

"What is going _on_?" Peter said, following Remus back into the room.

"I don't want to talk about it," Remus said shortly.

"Did you break up?" Ellie said.

"Yes," Remus said. "Listen, if I kiss you, will you promise to keep quiet and leave me alone?"

"Yeah," she said, "but you still have to dance with me."

"Fine," Remus said, and kissed her.

"That wasn't too bad," she said judiciously.

"Glad you liked it," Remus snapped, thinking that even this munchkin had gotten more action than he had, up until about five minutes ago. Fuming, he turned his attention to his robe.

Meanwhile, Sirius was trying to repair damages out in the hall. "What would it take for all of you to keep quiet?" he said wearily.

The runts exchanged looks. This lot was a cunning one, Sirius knew, or else they wouldn't have been there. "Make us each a Love Potion," one of them said.

"You know those're against school rules, right?" Sirius said.

"So's boys kissing boys," one of the runts said, and all of them snickered appreciatively.

"Fine," Sirius said. "But it'll take me a while. I don't have all the ingredients. Come see me in two months and I'll have it for you."

"Two months?" another one said.

"It takes six weeks to finish the potion," Sirius said with forced patience. "That's if you want it to work, of course."

"Two months, then," a third runt said. "And it better be good."

"You got it, Romeo," he said, and went into the bathroom.

Five minutes later, Remus came out of the room, carrying a tuxedo, and went into the bathroom. The runts giggled in chorus.

"I'm in here," Sirius said hollowly from behind the shower curtain.

"Don't come out then, I'm changing," Remus said.

"Are you mad?"

Remus considered. "You didn't have to kiss me," he said.

"You were going to say something," Sirius said. "You were going to spoil it."

"That's because you hugged me," Remus said. "You didn't have to do that."

"I was trying to make it seem real."

"Well, good work," Remus said. "That bunch in the hall sure believed it, and they'll probably tell the whole school."

"No they won't," Sirius said. "I'm making them Love Potion to shut them up."

"That's against the rules," Remus said.

"Oh, is it?" Sirius said. "Maybe I'd better offer them some Swelling Solution instead."

"No need to be such an ass about it," Remus said.

"Listen, I'm the one making illicit potions to cover your butt, I think I'm entitled to be an ass."

"You make illicit potions every day of your life," Remus said, giving his tie a violent tug. "And they sure aren't for me."

"Can I come out now?" Sirius said petulantly. "My illicit potion needs stirring."

"See if I care."

Sirius shoved the curtain aside and stomped across the bathroom. "You might want to wear some shoes with that," he said.

"I know that," Remus yelled as the door slammed. "Bastard," he muttered, wrenching the door open just in time to see Sirius disappear into their dorm.

The runts were still there, and they were still giggling.

%%%

Still later, in the common room. Remus was holding a mug of sparkling green giddiness. He was done dancing for the evening, his tie and coat both shed, the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Heat flooded his face. He was burning up in one long, spectacular trail of starlight.

Then he thought the music stopped, and the ceiling opened, and an angel came down balanced on a rope. She opened her mouth and she said, "The French are glad to die for love."

And then the trumpets shimmered, she sang and she sparkled like her song and then, he thought, she sashayed over to him and she said, like the raw edge of silk, "I believe you've been expecting me." Of course; he had been waiting for this moment all his life. They danced and shazam, they were twirling in the clouds on top of an elephant and he was singing to her, something about the sun and these words and her eyes, and she pulled away and laughed and kissed him and then there was darkness.

Remus woke up, lying on top of his covers, still wearing his transfigured tux. The sunlight was so bright that it lit up the heavy red darkness inside his curtains.

He sat up and nausea swilled around his head. He opened the curtains and there was another pipsqueak stretched out on the carpet, reading the book that he had not yet known about twenty-four hours and that had already tilted his world on its axis.

"I had a weird dream last night," Remus said to Peter, the only one of his roommates in view. "That absinthe makes you see stuff."

"So you danced with her," Peter said, just a hint of jealousy.

"Who?"

"Christine," he and the pipsqueak chorused. "The Sparkling Cubic Zirconium," Peter added.

"That was her?" said Remus.

"Actually, it was Viola Cunningham, in seventh year," Peter said. "But she did a good job, don't you think?"

"And you made a pretty good Sebastian," added the pipsqueak.

Remus groaned. "I think I kissed her."

"You were supposed to," Peter said severely. "I would hope you did."

"I need to read those books," he said. "Can you lend me yours?"

"Yes, of course," Peter said. "I won't even make you pay."

"Thanks," Remus said.

For the rest of that short day, Remus read. He finished the first two, went for a blustery walk around the lake, came back and read the third one when the last of the pipsqueaks had finally finished it. Around five-thirty, he sat up, pushed aside his curtains, and announced dramatically to the room, "I am ready to live and die for love."

"Excellent," Peter said, accepting his book back. "Welcome to the cult of true believers."

"Is that where you've been all day?" James said. "You haven't even changed."

"That's right," Remus said. "What time is it? I have to go get something in Hogsmeade." He began shuffling through his trunk.

"Not those books," James said.

"No, no, I'll get the books later," Remus said. "This is something quite different."

"Supper's in half an hour," Sirius said severely from his potions lab. "You'll miss it if you go now."

"This is more important than food," Remus said dismissively, pulling on his shoes.

"It must be those books," James muttered.

Sirius walked over, stood in front of Remus, and gently placed a Freezing Charm on him, welding his fingers to his shoes with a thin sheet of ice.

"Now listen to me," Sirius said pleasantly. "Right now I want you to go take a shower and change and then come down to supper with us, which still leaves you with five hours to do your Defense, Potions and Transfiguration tonight. What would it take," he said, "to get you to do that?"

Remus looked up at Sirius. It hurt his neck. "I want you to read the books," he said. "All three of them. I don't care when, just sometime."

"You've got a deal," Sirius said. "I swear it on my bubbling cauldron."

"And I swear it on my still-beating heart," Remus said. A gush of warmth on his fingers and the ice melted, making a wet spot on the carpet. Remus shook the sparkling drops off his fingers and dried them on his pants. He stood, and dug a change of clothes out of his trunk.

"I'll be back in twenty minutes," he said. "Don't leave without me." He left; the bathroom door banged and soon the shower was hissing.

Peter had the books piled on his nightstand. The curtain on the topmost one was undulating slowly. James looked at them and said, "Whatever's in there must be some powerful magic."

"Oh," Peter said, "it is."

Remus went downstairs with them, and the minute he appeared in the doorway all of Gryffindor House (all of it that was there) rose to its feet screaming, "Sebastian!" Remus bowed, blew a kiss, sat down between Sirius and Peter and ate everything that Sirius piled on his plate. He went obediently back upstairs with them, and Sirius cleaned off the desk, balancing his new number-five cauldron on the windowsill and risking draughts that could destroy his potion, so Remus could do his homework. Remus went to bed and got up and went to class, and the moment Transfiguration was over he brought out his broom, scraped together all his gold and went haring off to Hogsmeade.

It was not books he brought back, but a guitar.

%%%

Acknowledgments:

I am indebted to the makers of the latest Muppet Christmas movie, which includes a wonderfully funny parody of _Moulin Rouge_ (Satine = Saltine!) and which inspired me to do the same thing. I am also indebted to the countless people who have contributed to Pottermania (that would include me, I guess). Also, thanks to my sister, who made me change the dream to make it more random/less disturbing.

Thank you also to those who reviewed the first part. It's nice to know you still love Potter and them. For all of you out there in reader-land, here's a Q & A to resolve your most burning questions.

_Whatever happened to Oliver Wood?_

Oliver is on hold indefinitely. I have to work through my Black and Lupin obsessions first.

_Why did you skate by the Whomping Willow incident?_

Because I don't want to mess with the biggies, i.e. the Map, the Animagi transformations, the Whomping Willow. I am considering writing deleted scenes for the DVD special edition, though, so perhaps it will appear in there.

_What's up with the party scene?_

I tried some of Remus's absinthe.

_What are your plans for the rest of the story?_

None, really, but I have enough ideas to fill up at least three more parts.

_Why did this part take so long?_

Two reasons. I'm a lazy bum, and I was worried about negative reactions to The Kiss. Prove me wrong, please.

_Why are these chapters 500 words shorter than those in _Short Guide?

Damn wide-rule paper.

_How can I send you Valentines/Howlers/envelopes full of Bubotuber pus?_

E-mail cornishpixie4@hotmail.com, or just review.


	3. Dragging down the Stars

A Night at the Golden Snail

Chapter 3 – Dragging Down the Stars

The rating, spoilers and disclaimers have not changed.

%%%

The following Saturday afternoon, Gryffindor played Hufflepuff at Quidditch.  Remus spent three minutes searching for his scarf, so he was only seventeen minutes early to the game.  As he approached the stadium, he could see McGonagall waiting outside.  Soon, it became apparent that she was waiting for him.

"Mister Lupin," she called.  "A word with you, please."

The corner of Remus's brain that never shut up took that opportunity to remind him exactly how strident McGonagall's voice could be when she wanted your attention; like a siren almost, and not the kind that sang to you either.

"Is this about my project?" he said.  "I swear to you, it was completely unintentional – "

"We'll discuss that on Monday," she said.  "Right now, Mister Black is missing."

"Sirius?"

"Normally by now he would be up in the stands, playing with the microphone under the guise of testing it," she said.  "I'd hoped he would be coming with you."

"Huh.  Well, I haven't seen him all morning."

The Professor scowled.  "In that case – "

"Oh, I can find him for you," Remus said, and began to sprint back to the castle.  McGonagall yelled something after him, but he blocked it out and mentally reviewed the morning instead.  He had been awakened by the noise of Peter and James leaving, which had probably been around ten-thirty.  He had gotten out of bed immediately and Sirius had not been there.  He distinctly remembered Sirius not being there because he had flung Sirius's pillow across the room, infuriated at having lost his scarf, and if Sirius had been in hiding anywhere he would surely have had an apoplectic fit because he had had that pillow longer than he had been Sirius.  So plainly, Sirius had left the room before ten-thirty and if he was not at the game, then he was either unable to move or doing something very, very important.

Remus summoned the Marauder's Map in the entrance hall and stood there looking at it for a full five seconds longer than he had to, simply because he could not see a single reason why Sirius would be in the library twelve minutes before a game, unless he had somehow gotten his hand stuck again in one of those infernal potions books he liked to sneak out of the Restricted Section.  And even if that was the case, he reasoned as he sprinted for the library, such was Sirius's love for the game that he would have come even with a nine-hundred-page book hanging from his hand.

Maybe, Remus thought, maybe he was paralyzed.

He burst into the library and Sirius looked up.  He was sitting at a table, reading a book with a slowly undulating curtain on its front cover.

"Thank you for making me read these books," Sirius said.  "They're freaking incredible."

"Have you gone mad?" Remus yelled.  "The game's in ten minutes."

"Bloody hell!"  Sirius stuffed the book in his pocket and they flew back down the hall.

"Remus, you've got to tell me what happens," Sirius gasped as they ran.  "I'm going to die if I don't find out."

"Forget that, what'll you tell McG?"

"Make something up, I don't care."

"Tell her you're sick," Remus advised.  "It'll be close enough."

"Thanks," he said as they approached the stadium.  "Later."  Sirius continued running, over to where the professors sat.  Even from that distance, Remus could tell McGonagall was distinctly displeased.

He went into the Gryffindor stands and found a decent seat.  It was five minutes till game time.

"Er-HEM," Sirius said into the microphone.  "'Scuse me.  Ladies and gentlemen, beings and creatures and various other forms of life, I am proud to present to you the Gryffindor Quidditch team – Abelman, Blakely, Potter, Pettigrew, Green, Sidd, and Captain Llllleslie Bank."

Everyone around Remus was screaming, applauding and swinging their scarves in the air.  Naturally Remus did too, and he booed the Hufflepuffs when they came out, and he flipped his head back and forth trying to watch everyone at once, but he couldn't forget about himself like he normally did.  Remus had never felt like an idiot before, standing up on his seat and doing the victory dance when they scored a goal, but today he did.  So he stayed in his seat and wiggled his fingers back and forth, slowly, to keep them from freezing.

The game went on for hours and hours.  Being January, it soon got dark and most of the school left, a broken column of bobbing wand-lights heading back up to the castle, where it was warm and bright and suppertime.  Remus summoned a blanket, being very careful to request the blue fuzzy one he kept underneath his bed, and stayed.

"Remus," said a tiny voice behind him.  "Can I share your blanket?"

Remus lit his wand and angled it into the darkness.  Sure enough, it was Ellie.  He wanted very much to tell her no but she looked cold and pathetically alone, rather like himself.

"Sure," he said.  "If you want."

"That's why I asked."  She clambered over the bench and snuggled down next to him, taking far more than her share of the blanket.

"Hi, Remus," she said.

"Hi, Ellie."

"Why are you still here?" she asked.  "You can't even see the game hardly."

"Well," Remus said, "two of my friends are out there and the other is commentating, and if they have to stay out here all night then so do I."

"Do you like your friends?"

What an idiotic thing to say, Remus was about to tell her, and then he realized he didn't, most of the time.  "Sometimes," he said.  "So why are you here?"

"Because," she said, "I'm in love with you."

"No you aren't," Remus said absently, marveling at her moronic honesty.

"How would you know?" Ellie demanded.

"You don't know me."

"I've known you for a week," she said.  "If that's long enough for Romeo and Juliet, that's long enough for me."

Remus sighed.  "Ellie," he said, "that was a book."

"It's a play."

"It's a work of literature," he said, "and it is completely made up.  It has no connection with the real world.  In reality, you don't meet someone's eyes across a room and fall in love."

"I did," she said.

"Yes," Remus said.  "But I didn't.  So it isn't real, you know?"

"But in the Velvet Curtain," Ellie said, "Sebastian fell in love with Christine, right?  And she didn't love him, I mean not really, and he made her change her mind, didn't he?"

"I know," Remus said, "but it's not like – I mean, they're in love and everything, okay.  But you know how the story ends?  She dies.  Because love like that messes things up.  You can't live a normal life.  And if they did – like, say Sebastian and Christine got married.  What next?"

"But that's just stupid," said Ellie.

"Exactly," Remus said.  "It'd be stupid to try to drag down the stars and put them on the mantelpiece.  So they fall in love, and they screw up their lives, and if they're lucky they die, so they don't have to deal with the consequences of their stupid, screwed-up lives."

"So," she said in a tiny voice.  "I guess you don't believe in love."

"I'm not saying it doesn't happen," Remus said.  "I'm not saying it doesn't make a wonderful story.  I just wouldn't stab myself on account of it."

"You _don't_," she said.  "But I do.  And now I've told you I love you, so you have to love me too."

Remus gave a faint laugh.  "Ellie darling," he said, "that is _not_ how it works."

"I don't care," she said.  "I'll love you forever until I die and I'll kill myself too, so there."

"Don't," Remus said.  "I might feel guilty."

Ellie brightened.  "Would you kill yourself too?"

Remus sighed in amused exasperation.  "You'd better find someone else to love.  Someone more worthy of the sacrifice."

"I think you are," Ellie said.  "You're really not as much of a jerk as everyone says."

"Who says?" Remus demanded.

"Oh, I don't know.  Everyone."

"Am I a jerk?"

"I don't think so," Ellie said.  "But I love you."

There was nothing to say to that, so he didn't.

The game ended at four in the morning when Abelman finally captured the Snitch.  Remus met James, Peter and Sirius outside the changing room.  Sirius had lost his voice hours ago, James and Peter were so sore they could hardly walk, and Remus was too tired to laugh at any of them.  They stumbled up to the castle and bed; Remus had only to close his eyes and he was asleep.

Remus woke with a start.  One of his boots, which he had not bothered to take off, had somehow worked its way off his foot and fallen to the floor.  He got out of bed and Sirius was standing over his potion raising a spoon to his lips.

"What now?"

Sirius picked up Remus's quill and wrote in the margin of Remus's Defense essay, _I lost my voice._

"I know that," Remus said.  "That doesn't explain why you're writing on my essay and taste-testing a Love Potion."

Sirius replied, _They__ make you want to drink them.  I don't know why, but I suspect it's to do with the butterfly tongues._

"Bull," Remus said.  "You want to be in love.  Don't you?"

_Well, yes,_ said Sirius.  _Who doesn't?_

"You're looking at him," Remus said sourly, turning to leave.

Sirius ran after Remus and tugged on his hand.  Remus turned around and looked unwilling at Sirius, who was looking up at him, saying something without words.  Whatever it was, it made Remus follow Sirius back over to the potions lab, where Sirius flipped over his essay and asked, _Why__ don't you want to be in love?_

"It's beautiful," Remus said, "but it always falls apart in the end, every single time it ends the same way because somebody has to die."

_But the bit in the middle,_ Sirius said, _that makes it worth it._

"I wouldn't know," Remus said, looking hazily at the curls that were caught under the strap of Sirius's goggles and his wide asking eyes.  "I've never been in love."

_I have,_ Sirius said.

"Oh, I know all about that," Remus said.  "You call that love?  Giving everything and getting back nothing?"

_You just want to be loved, _Sirius said.

"Is that so wrong?"

You want other people to love you and you don't want to have to do anything but watch them.  You want to read about love and pretend it's real, so you don't get hurt.

Remus looked away.  "No one wants to get hurt."

Sirius stuck the parchment in front of his face.  _Some things are worth it,_ he said.

"I don't want to jump off a cliff," Remus said in a tiny voice.

No matter what you do –

"Stop it, would you?" Remus snapped.  "I don't need your advice.  All I know is life's a lot easier this way."

I'm going to make you change your mind.

"That's exactly what Ellie said to me," Remus said morosely.

_Your firstie?_

"Yeah," he said.  "She thinks she loves me."

_She's probably right,_ said Sirius.

Remus sighed explosively.  "You are _not_ going to tell me I ought to fall in love with her."

_I had no such intention,_ Sirius said, looking indignant.  _But since you know she loves you, it's absolutely risk-free._

"That would be so perfect if I loved her," Remus said.

_Oh,_ Sirius said.  _Well, in that case._

"Don't even think about it," Remus said.  "I don't want any of your chemical love."

_All love is chemical,_ said Sirius.

"I won't argue that one," said Remus.

%%%

Later that day Sirius was drinking mugs and mugs of something laced with honey.  Remus was at the desk frantically writing his Defense essay, wearing a mask so he did not accidentally inhale any fumes from the Love Potion.

"It's cold," Remus said.  "Why is it so damn cold?  I need my blanket.  What'd I do with my blue fuzzy blanket?"

Sirius made an uncomfortable sound and tucked the trailing ends underneath his pillow.

"I'm cold," Remus said, going over to his trunk and putting on a sweater and an extra pair of socks before crawling into bed.  "What in God's name are you doing with my blue fuzzy blanket?"

"I was cold," said Sirius.

They looked at each other for a minute in mutual distrust.  Remus started to say something when Sirius interrupted.

"Are you sick?"

"I'm cold," Remus said.

"Are you done with your essay?"

"Nearly."

"Can I look at it?"

"No."

Sirius got up, wrapping Remus's blanket around his shoulders, and went over to the desk.  He picked up the essay and sat on the table to read it.  "Damn," he said, wiping his finger on the blanket.  "Ink's not dry."  He glanced at Remus over top of the parchment.  "I'm sorry," he said.  "Were you going to say something?"

"Yeah."  Remus got out of bed.  His hair was sticking up on one side.  "I was going to say you were a lot cuter when you couldn't talk, but I changed my mind.  You're just a cold heartless bastard and you don't really give a shit about me.  Do you?"

"Excuse me," said Sirius, "but I am risking ten years in Azkaban for you, so don't even tell me I don't care."

"Yeah?" Remus said.  "Well, you treat me like dirt the rest of the month.  Give me that."  Remus grabbed the essay, leaving one corner of it in Sirius's hand.  He stuffed it into his pocket, whirled around, began tearing the sheets off his bed.

The door banged open.

"What are you doing?" demanded James.

"I treat him like poop," Sirius said tonelessly.  "So he decided to have one of his self-righteous spaz attacks."

"Remus, he treats everyone like that," Peter said.  "Don't take it personally."

"Sirius, I don't think you're that terrible," James said.

"Where are you going?" Peter asked Remus.  "Can I come?"

"Okay, hold it," James said, dropping his broom and stepping into the middle of the room.  "What exactly is the problem here?"

"This isn't a bloody tribunal," said Remus.  "It's between me and Sirius."

"And you're doing a rotten job of solving it," James said.  "Why are you so pissed off at Sirius?"

"Because he's an inconsiderate asswipe," Remus said.

James sighed.  "I meant what did he do?"

"Stole my blanket and my essay."

"Remus, he does that to you every day of the week," James said.

"I know," Remus said.  "And I'm sick of it.  Just because I don't complain – " he was talking to Sirius now – "I act like it doesn't bother me but it does.  I try to tell you something and you just keep on trying to persuade me otherwise because you don't care what I think."

Sirius looked at him quietly.  "If it bothers you so much," he said, "why didn't you ever tell me?"

Remus gave a bitter laugh.  "Weren't you listening?  You don't care what I think."  Then he turned around and walked out.

"I do," Sirius said to the door.  "I just act like I don't."

"You sure fooled him," James said.

"Give me the map," Peter said, shrugging out of his Quidditch robes.  "I'll go talk to him."

"Good old Peter," James said fervently.  "And if we ever do anything that annoys you, please let us know, but in a nice way."

Peter looked at Sirius.  "You slurp your pumpkin juice in the morning and it really gets on my nerves."  He smiled a little, then left.

"Do I?" Sirius said miserably.

"Yeah."

Sirius groaned.  "Am I so inconsiderate?"

"Not to me," James said.  "But Remus is different."

He had gone to the library, because you sometimes ran into other people in the bathroom.  He had chosen the furthest corner, where two windows met the floor and each other and you could see all the way down to the lake.  Peter joined him five minutes later.

"Sirius does that to me, too, you know."

"Ruins your stuff?  Doesn't listen to a word you say?"

"I got some chocolate from home," Peter said meditatively.  "He ate it all and tried to claim he needed it for his Love Potion.  But I knew better."

"When was that?"

"Last week."

The lake was an odd shade of blue, Remus noticed.  Perhaps another one of the merpeople had died.

"Peter, am I a jerk?"

Remus thought sourly that it took Peter a rather long time to answer.  "I don't think so," he said.

"What you mean is, people put up with my occasional jerkiness because they like me."

Peter considered.  "Crass, but true."

"Do you like me?"

"Yeah," he said, "as a friend."

"That's what I meant."

"Do you like me?" Peter asked shyly.

Remus considered.  There wasn't much to dislike, but by the same token, not much to like either.  _Drab, he thought.  "Yeah," said Remus._

Peter smiled hugely.

"I don't get it," Sirius said to James.  "Do you think I'm doing anything wrong?"

"No."

"Then why is Remus mad at me?"

"Because he thinks you're doing something wrong."

Sirius exhaled.  "What does he think I'm doing wrong?"

"I don't know!" James said.  "I don't understand him any better than you do."

"How can I live with someone for five and a half years and still not understand him?" Sirius said, banging his heels distractedly against the floor.

"Maybe," James said dryly, "that's his point."

Sirius sighed.  "I don't have time for this mind game shit," he said.  "I'm going to go talk to him."

"That's the spirit," James said, stretching out lazily.

"That essay is due tomorrow morning and I have to figure out what to say to him so he'll let me borrow it."

"I begin to see his point," James said.

"Where'd you put the cloak?  Maybe if I sneak up on him."

%%%

Midnight, and Remus still had not spoken to him.  Sirius was at the desk writing his essay.  Remus was sitting on his bed attempting to remove the ink stain from his blanket.  James was listening to music.  Peter was asleep.

"Oh _here_."  Sirius pitched his quill onto the desk, strode over to Remus, and took out the ink with a wave of his wand.  "You always were hopeless at stain removal."

"Yeah," Remus said, not looking at him.

Sirius stood there watching him, hands in his pockets.  After one minute Remus glared directly at him and said, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Looking at you," Sirius said.  "I don't think I ever have before."

Remus closed his eyes.  "What color are my eyes?"

"Hard to describe," Sirius said in a pseudo-thoughtful voice.  "Sort of a greenish golden-brown with flecks of hazel…"

"They're gray, you toadstool," Remus said, opening them.  "When's my birthday?"

"Don't tell me.  It's in March sometime."

Remus folded his arms and scowled.

"Okay, I screwed up," Sirius said.  "I admit it.  Now, what do I have to do to make it up to you?"

"Whatever it is," Remus said, "it had better be big."

"I'm writing my own essay," Sirius said.  "I took out the ink stain for you.  What more do you want from me?"

"You're intelligent," Remus said.  "You think of something."

And Remus thought that was the end of it.

During the following week, Sirius grew ever more reclusive.  He spent large amounts of time in the library, only returning to tend the Love Potion when necessary, and he took to wearing the stocking cap that Remus had given him for his birthday.  From all this, Remus, Peter and James deduced that he had come up with something after all.  So naturally, when James spotted Sirius in the library, sitting at a teak desk facing the wall, and writing, he was keen to investigate.

"Hey, Sirius," said James.  "Whatcha writing?"

Sirius lifted his head from his labors and gave James a self-satisfied smile.  "This is my gift to Remus."

"Ah," James said.  "Er…what is it?"

"It's a play."

"Ah."

"An adaptation of the Velvet Curtain for the stage."

"Is that that thing you're always talking about?" James said.

"Yes it is."  Sirius gave him a hopeful look.  "Would you like to hear it?"

"I have – er, some kind of paper to write," James said.  "How about you just give me the condensed version."

"Well, okay," Sirius said.  "Seeing as how it's so important."

Act I 

This is how it starts.  There's this guy, and his name is Sebastian.  He is young and beautiful and idealistic.  He believes there is nothing better or more powerful than love, so he goes to Paris and rents a shabby little room in Montmartre in the hope of finding some.

Then one fine day as he's sitting at his typewriter, the ceiling falls in, and with it comes an unconscious Argentinian named Lyon.  Soon a comical person named Poitou arrives at the door, and not long after that, Sebastian finds himself reading Lyon's part in a bohemian production about a Swiss goatherd.  Even better, Sebastian has some excellent artistic suggestions and Poitou and the rest are convinced that he is the man to write their play.  So they dress him up and take him to this nightclub, the Golden Snail, to meet with this prostitute-cum-actress, Christine, to convince her that he is indeed the one to write this play.

"And that's where it really gets interesting," Sirius said pointedly to James, who was in the act of stifling a yawn.

"Yeah, it's great," he said.  "A really choice bit of drama.  Maybe you could read me the rest some other time," and he was gone.

"Dang," Sirius said to himself.  "Maybe I ought to run it past Peter instead."

So he did, that very evening.  Fortunately, Peter loved it.

"Do you _really_?" Sirius squealed for the fifteenth time.  "I am sooo excited!"

"Oh my God," said Peter.  "I love it!  The way you write the characters is so fresh and original, yet amazingly faithful to the books.  How in the world do you do it?"

"Er," Sirius said.  "It's like exactly the same as the book.  Okay, so I took a little liberty with some of their lines, but other than _that_…"

"Whatever you did, it was freaking inspired."

"Well, thanks," Sirius said.  "So what do you think I should do with it?"

"Don't change a thing," Peter said.  "It's the absolute pinnacle of perfection."

"That's not what I meant," Sirius sighed.  "This _is_ Remus's consolation prize for me being a rotten friend, so I don't just want to hand him the script.  I want to be able to bring him down to the common room for his own personal performance of the Velvet Curtain books, you know?"

"Huh," Peter said.  "So it has to be a surprise?"

"Yeah."

"That might be kind of tough," Peter said diplomatically.  "I mean, first of all, how would you get people to audition and practice and all that without him knowing?"

"Yerk," said Sirius miserably.  "I hadn't even thought of that."

"I know what you could do instead," said Peter.

%%%

The following Monday night at seven PM, the Gryffindor common room was packed to the gills, and James had to simulate a small explosion to gain quiet.

"Now then," he said.  "I've called this meeting for a reason, which Sirius Black is about to explain to you."  James climbed off the sofa, and Sirius scrambled up to take his place.  Looking around the room, he suddenly realized that a quarter of the whole school, give or take, was waiting for him to say something either witty or intelligent.

"As you all know," he said, "I can be a bit of a jerk."

This at least got a laugh.  Sirius, however, wondered irritably if it was only funny because it was true.

"In particular, my pal Remus thinks I'm an insensitive clod – "

More laughter.

"So I promised him something big to prove I wasn't, and I wrote him a play."  Sirius sought Remus out in the crowd and his eyes really were gray.  "It's an adaptation of the Velvet Curtain for the stage, and I would like all of you to help perform it for him."  Sirius noted with pleasure that half of the common room was now whispering excitedly to the other half.  "There's going to be an audition on Friday, and I'll post a list of the main parts so you can decide what to try out for.  If you want to sing, dance or do costumes, come talk to me.  That's all, I guess."

Sirius stepped down from the couch and pulled out a roll of parchment that listed the principal parts.  He tacked it just above the fireplace and was promptly stampeded by a horde of people wanting to see it.

"Sweet!" Sirius said to himself, grinning, as he fought to get away from the mob.  Finally he broke free and Remus was exactly where he'd been before, sitting motionless atop one of the tables and watching him.

"Your eyes are gray," said Sirius.

Remus smiled a little.  "You're bonkers," he said.

"Is this what you wanted?"  Sirius looked up at him, not breathing, hanging on his answer.

"I wasn't expecting anything," Remus said.  "Maybe an apology."

"Am I that big a jerk?" Sirius said, dismayed.  "Remus, whatever I've done to you, and I'm sure it's a lot, this had better make up for it because I don't have another plan."

"Sirius," said Remus, "you amaze me."

"Thank God," Sirius said fervently.  "I was so afraid you wouldn't like it."

Remus slid off the table and smiled again.  It was not a particularly happy smile, and Sirius was struck with a sudden desire to know why.

"Thank you," Remus said.

"Remus – "

"Yes?" he said softly.

"Aren't you happy?"

"I was feeling a little glum," Remus said.  "But I'm better now.  Thanks."

"Yeah," Sirius said.

"I think I'm going to go upstairs," Remus said.  "I want to get started on that research paper for Potions."

It's Friday, Sirius almost said but held it back.  "I'll be up in a while," he said.

Remus gave him a funny look.  "It's Friday," he said.  "You aren't going to the Broomsticks?"

"Don't know," Sirius said.  "Maybe if James is."

"Oh," said Remus, and hesitated a moment.  "Well, I'll see you later, then."

"See you," Sirius said and watched Remus go, the lines of his cloak and the dark blond hair licking his collar.  Sirius went and sat down on the table, wanting to be alone, feeling like the wings of some great bird had just brushed his face and taken off.  He was not there a minute when people started coming up to him, wanting to sing or choreograph or make up the costumes.  Sirius borrowed a quill and parchment from someone and wrote down all their names, thinking with remote wonder of what he had begun and how quickly it was catching him up in its great claws.

As the crowd ebbed, James came over.  "Sirius," he said, "the parchment's already full and they all want to know if you're going to have copies of the script for them to practice with."

"Oh," Sirius said.  "I can do that tonight.  I'll pick out parts for the audition and make copies, if you'll tell me how many."  
"Tonight?" James said.  "Don't you want to go to the Broomsticks?"

"It won't kill me to miss a week," Sirius said dryly.  "Besides, this way they'll be done tomorrow."

"Have it your way," James said.  "I'll get you the list once they're through."

"Thanks," Sirius said.  He hopped off the table and went up to their room.  Peter was reading something and Remus was at the desk, the Potions text open in front of him, his face masked.  Sirius went over to check the Love Potion, being careful not to breathe on it.  
"The fumes won't hurt you, you know," he said to Remus.

Remus didn't look up.  "I'd rather not risk it."

Sirius went over to his bed and settled down with his copy of the script.  Luckily he knew a handy charm to duplicate objects; the bed was covered with copies by the time James came in and handed Sirius two rolls of parchment.

"I'm going to the Broomsticks with the team," he said, "if any of you decide you aren't losers after all."  He got his cloak and scarf and left.

Remus sighed.  "Sirius?"

"Hm?"

"Do you have any mermaid hair?"

Sirius looked up.  "A few strands.  Why?"

"I need some for this potion."

"Couldn't you get some in Hogsmeade?"  Sirius immediately wished he hadn't said it because it sounded so whiny.

"I don't have enough gold," Remus said quietly.

"It's okay," Sirius said.  "I'm about due for another trip to the bottom of the lake anyhow."

"I'll pay you back when I can," Remus said.

Sirius sighed.  "Don't worry about it."

Remus leaned his head on his hand, and looked out the window.  "Thanks," he said.

%%%

To Be Continued


	4. Act One

A Night at the Golden Snail

Chapter 4 – Act One

**WARNING: Implied nastiness and two really naughty words (actually, two variants on the same word).The rating is still the same, though.**

**DEDICATION: This part is Shawna's birthday present, because I didn't buy her dessert or anything. So I would like to propose a toast. *holds up a glass of butterbeer* May your prose be inspired, may your inbox fill up with review alerts, and may the Idea Gods smile down upon you. Happy nineteenth.**

%%%

James was scratching madly on his parchment as Professor Binns mumbled his way through chapter seventy-nine.Sirius elbowed Peter, startling him out of a light doze, and pointed at James.

"Did you know it's physically impossible to kiss a ghost's ass?" Sirius said, but quietly.

James turned around and glared at him."For your information, I'm trying to figure out how many hours of my life I've wasted in this stupid class.Now go stick a quill up your arse."

"Just for that, I'm not going to let you play," Sirius said, pulling several small bottles out of his bookbag and lining them up on his desk.

"Play what?" Peter said.

Sirius smirked."These bottles are filled with Polyjuice," he said."The way it works is, we all pick a random hair off the floor, pop it in the potion, and find out whose it is the hard way."

"That's _sick," Peter said."Can I go first?"_

"Be my guest," Sirius said, grinning.  
Peter ducked under his desk and scuffled around a minute before re-emerging with a hair, which Sirius and James both inspected to make sure it wasn't Peter's own.

"You're all clear," James said.

"Okay, here goes."Peter gulped visibly, dropped the hair into the potion and knocked it back in a single gulp.

"You're Minerva fucking McGonagall," James said, snorting slightly with imminent laughter.

"Say something," Sirius begged.

"I hate you two bastards," McGonagall said bitterly, sending half the class into silent convulsions.

"What was she doing in here anyway?" Sirius said, shaking with suppressed mirth.

"Probably persecuting innocent snoggers," James said.

"Okay, smartass, your turn," McGonagall said, glaring at Sirius, which set off another round of silent painful laughter.

Sirius dove underneath his own desk and came up with another hair which, once approved by the other two, went straight into the potion.He drank it down swiftly and this time, there was no holding back, the entire class was in hysterics because Sirius had turned into none other than Albus Dumbledore.

"Oh dear God," James howled, tears pouring down his face, "they must've been boinking each other all this time – so _that's why she got promoted to Deputy Headmistress – "_

Binns glanced up sharply and spotted the faux professors."Why, Albus – Minerva – whatever are you doing here?"

"Just a routine inspection," said Dumbledore in a slightly strangled voice."As you were."

Binns frowned, the ghost of a suspicion plainly troubling his ghost of a brain, but he said, "Very well," and bent his head to his notes again.

"Now you," said Dumbledore, pushing a flask toward James.

"I thought I wasn't playing."

"You aren't chickening out, are you?"

Of course for James it was death before cowardice, so he picked out a hair for himself, which turned out to be Lockhart's.

"You don't mean that he – " Peter began, but was shushed by half a dozen students who didn't want to know.

"Well, that was edifying," James said as class ended."I do hope you remembered the antidote."

Sirius pulled a vial out of his bag and offered it first to Peter, who guzzled half of it.

"Damn it, you weren't supposed to drink that much," Sirius hissed."Now there isn't enough for both of us."

He and James traded looks."You'd better," James said."You can't go around looking like him."

"Okay," Sirius said."You should go now, you can't be seen with us."

"Right."

"But don't go to the tower."

"Right.I'm going to Paquerette, see if she can't get me some antidote," James said.

"Great, see you in a while."

James left.Sirius drank down the rest and he and Peter left too; Binns bid them an absent goodbye.

They went back up to their room, where Sirius said to Peter, "Let's see if we can finish this up now, so we can post the results this afternoon."

What had happened was, they'd held the audition on Friday.James and Sirius sat through three hours of auditions before they realized how impossible it was going to be to pick an actual cast out of it.So they came up with a plan.Everyone in Gryffindor house had voted for whoever they wanted to see as Sebastian, Christine and all the rest of them.They were actually about done counting; all they had to do was add in the twenty or so late ballots and that was it.

"Shit," Sirius said."Why do I have to be Sebastian?Why couldn't someone soulful do it, like Remus?"

Then something occurred to him.

"Where the hell's Remus?"

"Dunno."Peter was already busy drafting a list of the actors and roles."I didn't see him this morning either."

Sirius didn't want to admit he hadn't missed Remus that morning, so instead he just groaned."I'm going down to lunch, see if he's there."

"I'll be down soon's I'm done with this."

"Okay," Sirius said, dashing out of the room.

Outside Great Hall he came upon Lockhart.

"James, is that you?" Sirius said.

"Of course it is, you nincompoop."

"I was just making sure," he said in an injured tone."Anyway, I wanted to tell you you're playing the count."

"Oh," he said.

"I know you'd probably rather be Sebastian, but really, I think you'll do great as the count.Anyway, in case I don't see you, we'll probably have a read-through this evening in the common room, make sure everyone can at least read their parts."

"What's the password again?"

"Oh, you know the password," Sirius said irritably."It's ape belly, same as it was yesterday.Anyhow, I'm going to lunch, I'll see you later when you're all fixed up."

Sirius proceeded to enter Great Hall, sit down, serve himself and polish off his mashed potatoes before he remembered that he was supposed to be looking for Remus.

"Shit, he isn't here."

"I know," Peter said, sitting down next to him and snagging the last piece of gooseberry tart."He's in the middle of the Forbidden Forest."

"What's he doing out there?" Sirius demanded, completely distracted by this bit of news.

Peter shrugged, ladling himself a bowl of stew."You want to go ask him, be my guest."

Sirius thought about it.Going out there accompanied by werewolf, stag and rat was one thing, but alone –

_Remus went out there alone and human._

_Remus is braver than I'll ever be._

"He obviously doesn't want us to come after him," Sirius said decisively."He'll be back when he's had enough, which should be as soon as he realizes he's missing Runes."

"He took his trunk," Peter remarked.

"Damn, and we need him for the rehearsal too."Sirius sighed."Oh well, we'll get someone to read his part.Maybe Viola would do it…"

"James must not be back to normal yet, huh," Peter said, crunching his celery as he spoke.

"What?Oh, no, he's not," Sirius said."I saw him outside Great Hall not too long ago."

"Probably waiting for Paquerette," Peter said."I bet he couldn't catch her before lunch.Poor guy."

"Yup," Sirius said, gazing thoughtfully at the High Table."I wonder if Dumbledore and McGonagall really – "

"Please," Peter said."You're going to make me nauseous."

%%%

They went to Care of Magical Creatures in the afternoon, and James was not there.After class they went back up to their room, and neither James nor Remus was there.However, when they went down to supper, James was already sitting at the table and scowling heavily at the tabletop.

"How ya doing?" Sirius said cheerily, settling in next to James."We missed you in CMC."

"Hmph."

"Why weren't you there?" Sirius said, frowning.

"Your precious Paquerette wouldn't give me the antidote," James said bitterly."I had to wait it out."

"I hope you thought to get him in some trouble," Sirius said severely.

"I tried, but considering how little I had to work with, there wasn't much I could do," James said."I mean, no one would give me – I mean him any illegal drugs.And that's saying something, because apparently the Slytherins'll even sell the stuff to first years."

"No surprises there," Sirius said.

"So I went and hid in the bathroom until I turned back," James said."By then, of course, CMC had already started and I didn't want to disrupt things by coming in late – what's wrong, Sirius?"

"You mean you didn't talk to me?"

James frowned."No," he said."I think I would have remembered that."

"Oh shit," Sirius said, twisting around and surveying the Slytherin table."He's still there, at least – damn it, I _knew you knew the password – "_

"Stop babbling and tell me what you told me," James said.

"Oh God," Sirius said."I told him you were playing the count and there was going to be a run-through tonight and he knows the password too – "

"Shit," James said."Come on, we've got to get up there before he does.Maybe we can head this off before all of Gryffindor gets back."

"But I want to have supper," Peter whined.

"Go ahead and drown in your pumpkin juice, we don't need you for this," James said."Come on, Sirius."

Sirius looked briefly as though he wanted to agree with Peter, but instead he snatched a chicken wing and followed James.

When they got up to the tower, Lockhart was already there, lounging across one of the couches and inspecting his fingernails.He looked up when they came in and shone his extraordinary teeth at them.

"I didn't want you making any artistic decisions without your count," he said.

James stiffened."How the hell did you get up here before we did?" he snapped.For James, it was a matter of personal pride, since he considered secret passages and other means of transportation to be his exclusive domain.

"That's none of your damn business," Lockhart said cheerily."How about getting started before the plebeians return?"

"For your information, there was a little mix-up," James said."This is a Gryffindor production, so you can just get your coiffure out of our tower."

"Oh?"Lockhart raised an immaculately sculpted eyebrow."Black specifically told me I was playing the count, and even _you can see how unlikely it is that he'd mistake me for you."_

_Talk about me like I'm not here, Sirius thought but didn't say.He didn't want to be ignored any more than he already was._

"If you want to be in it so bad, a little politesse wouldn't hurt," James snapped."And if you must know, I spent an hour as you today and it is _not an experience I want to repeat."_

"Illegal Polyjuice, Potter?" said Lockhart."How pleased the headmaster would be to hear about that."

"I bet you polish his boots with your tongue, don't you," James said.

Lockhart stood up."You are a vile creature, James Potter," he said."Give me one more reason why I should leave you alone."

"Because I'm going to hex you into the ground," James said, whipping out his wand.To his astonishment, Lockhart's wand was out just as quickly and there was a calculating look to those baby-blue eyes that made James step back a pace and drop his wand tip slightly.Lockhart did the same, and then holstered his wand, which James was only too happy to do.

"Luckily this is one evening I won't have to drag somebody to the hospital wing," Sirius said.

"I wouldn't be too sure of that."James slumped onto a couch across from Lockhart and eyed him with deep suspicion."Can you act?"

"Being a Slytherin is acting," said Lockhart.

"Wonderful."James sighed."I didn't really want to do it anyway.Have you read the books?"

"Have I read them?" Lockhart said dramatically."I sleep with them under my pillow.But not all at once, you understand.Otherwise my pillow would be too high."

James closed his eyes."Okay, I guess now the only problem is how I'm going to explain this to everyone."

"Well, as to that," said Lockhart."I took the liberty of telling a few select people – "

"Meaning most of the school," James said, but he actually sounded cheerful at the prospect."Lockhart, you may be a pompous git, but you sure do come in handy."

"Thank you," Lockhart said, smoothing out a crease in his robes."Would you by any chance have an orange stick in this benighted place?"

Gryffindor didn't take the news quite as badly as James had feared.The girls, at least, were all ecstatic.The boys were more resigned, but Potter and Lockhart were apparently in agreement on the subject so there wasn't much more to be said.Then Peter put up the cast list and amid a welter of whispered speculation, the actors and actresses adjourned to Potter and company's dormitory room for the first reading.

The seven of them settled in, chatting and quibbling good-naturedly about who was sitting where.Sirius, of course, was busy hiding away his Love Potion under the guise of tidying up the desk.Remus was supposed to play Christine, but Viola, who was playing the main tango dancer, Orleanne, was reading his part since he was still presumably sulking out in the woods.Sirius suddenly remembered the map – normally it was on the wall by the door, but it wasn't now; either Peter or James must have gotten it.Peter was playing Jiggler, the red-faced mustachioed patriarch of the Golden Snail, and James technically wasn't playing anyone, but he looked ready to snatch the script out of Lockhart's hands at the first sign of incompetence.Ellie was there too, cross-legged on the floor; she was playing the small comical Poitou, and a fifth-year with too much hair named Josh Benson was playing Lyon, the narcoleptic Argentinean.

Things went surprisingly well for the first run-through.Lockhart made a suavely sneering count; all that was lacking was a small curling moustache, which could be arranged easily enough.Viola was flamboyant and Sirius properly reluctant when she pulled him to his feet for an impromptu dancing lesson, to the great amusement of the rest of the cast.Of course, Peter and Ellie were hesitant with some of their lines, but that would come with practice.The only real problem was that Josh Benson had a pronounced lisp.

"Why couldn't he have been Poitou?" James groaned, once everyone had left except for the three roommates and, annoyingly, Lockhart."Then Ellie could have been Orleanne, and Viola could have been Christine, and Remus could have been Lyon."

Sirius snickered."Can you really see Remus saying, you don't have to wear that red dress tonight?"

"He's not exactly the courtesan type either," James was quick to point out.

"Well, we can't do much about it now," Peter said."We agreed to have an election and we ought to stick to the results."

"If only Benson would come down with something," James said wistfully.

"That can be arranged," Lockhart said.

"What're you going to give him, pneumonia?" Sirius said.

Lockhart shrugged lightly."I think a couple weeks of the flu would do it.In the meantime, Potter, you can read his part, and with a bit of luck he'll give it up of his own accord."

"It seems I've underestimated you, Lockhart," James said with grudging respect.

"I am a man of many surprises," Lockhart admitted modestly."Most of which are good."He stood up, sweeping his robes around him, and Sirius noted with disgust that they were covered in glitter – not gaudy, but definitely noticeable.Sirius hoped uncharitably that he'd get busted for it."Well, good night, gents.Let me know about the next practice, will you?"

"You bet," James said."Later, Lockhart."

"A demain, Potter."Lockhart gave the room a fruity little bow and sailed out the door.

"Boy have I learned a lesson today," James said once he was gone."Some Slytherins are actually as sneaky as I am."

Sirius snorted."If he left any of that glitter in here, I'm putting it in his pumpkin juice tomorrow."

James rolled his eyes."So he has an unfortunate fixation on himself.It's not as big a deal as some people think."

_Gee, peas in a pod, Sirius thought but did not say."I guess I can get the Love Potion back out now," he said, getting up._

"It's been a good day, chums," James said, folding his arms behind his head.

"Remus is still out there," Peter observed, pulling the map out from under his pillow.

_Oh, this is going to be a good one, Sirius thought sourly._

%%%

Their first class the next day was Transfiguration.Sirius, James and Peter took their habitual seats in the back, which usually filled up first because everyone wanted to be as far from McGonagall as possible.This meant that when Remus darted in just before the bell, the only seat left was in the front.He took it without glancing once at his roommates, but they were not similarly insensible.

Sirius poked James urgently in the ribs and hissed, "Look, he's back."

"So I see," James said irritably, batting away Sirius's hand."Although quite frankly I don't see why I should care.He obviously doesn't give a shit about us, so we might as well return the favor."

"You're such a bastard," Sirius said.

"You're no better," James retorted."You didn't write that play because you want to be Shakespeare, you wrote it to make Remus think you actually do care about him.And look how _that turned out."_

"You don't know why he left," Sirius snapped."It's probably because you're a tactless pig."

At that point McGonagall intervened with offers of detention, and Remus still did not acknowledge their presence.

"He's ashamed of you, loudmouth," Sirius hissed. 

"He's probably not too pleased with you either – "

"Shut up," Peter said aloud, "I need to learn this stuff."

"I see at least _one of you understands the purpose of this class," McGonagall said dryly."Ten points to Gryffindor for Mister Pettigrew's stunning observation."_

Peter went very red as half the class tittered; Remus, however, did not.

The class seemed much longer than usual but the bell finally rang.When it did, Remus shot out of his seat, only to have Sirius catch him just inside the door.

"Why'd you go?" Sirius said."Why'd you come back?Why're you acting like we don't even exist?"

"We're blocking the door," Remus observed mildly.

"I want some answers, damn it!"Sirius yanked him into the hall by the sleeve of his robe and said, "What did I do wrong, Remus?Tell me so I can make it better."

Remus closed his eyes."We need to get to Herbology."

"I don't care about Herbology," Sirius yelled, causing several heads to turn."I just want to know what you want from me."

"Listen," Remus said, "I don't want to have a blazing row with you and I really don't want to have one in front of the whole school.And I'm sick of you dragging me places."Remus grabbed the sleeve of his robe."Come on.We're going to Herbology.Do you think you can contain your curiosity until after class?"

"Yes," Sirius said mutinously."And you don't have to drag me.I know the way."

Remus let him go and stormed down the hall.

"Damn it, Remus, why do you have to make this so hard?" Sirius yelled after him.

It was an awkward day.Sirius and Remus didn't speak to each other at all; during Herbology Remus partnered Peter and Sirius James, and during Defense Sirius and Remus managed to sit on opposite sides of the room.At the end of class, James and Peter fled by unspoken agreement to the library, and Sirius and Remus proceeded to their previously scheduled confrontation.

"Okay," Sirius said, back in their room."It's just you and me and the Love Potion, now what is your problem?"

"You," Remus said.

"Yeah, but just what do you want from me?" Sirius demanded."You said I didn't care, so I started caring and now what, it isn't enough?What's wrong with me?" Sirius said and he sounded remarkably like a first year again.

Remus went to the window and looked out, not seeing."You always know exactly how to make me feel like shit," he said quietly."Listen, I don't know how to say this nicely, so I'm just going to say it."

"Always go straight for the heart," Sirius agreed.

"Be quiet," Remus said without venom."Otherwise I won't be able to say it.The problem is you make too big a deal of everything now.Like today, did you really have to rush right up to me at the end of class in front of everybody?And you had to go and tell all of Gryffindor that I thought you were a jerk, and put on a whole entire play when all I really wanted was an apology, and you definitely did _not have to kiss me in front of the entire Golden Snail fan club."_

"Are you still mad at me about that?" Sirius said, genuinely surprised."I didn't think it was that big a deal."

"Maybe it wasn't," Remus said."But God, Sirius, it was really embarrassing.If you wanted to kiss me, you could have at least waited until no one else was around."

"I _didn't want to kiss you," Sirius said."I don't mean it was terrible or anything – " he blushed a little – "but that wasn't the point.It just seemed right at the time."_

Remus was still resolutely turned away, his hands splayed out on the ledge like that was the only thing keeping him from tipping out the window.Sirius sighed."So that's it," he said."I embarrass you."

Now Remus turned half around, and said quickly, "No, Sirius, it isn't – "

"It's okay," Sirius said dully."I promise I won't embarrass you ever again."

"Sirius," began Remus.

"I have to go talk to James and Peter," he said."I'll see you later."He left and behind him the door clicked unobtrusively shut.

Remus sank onto the window ledge."You even manage to be dramatic about that," he said to Sirius.

Sirius had gotten a glimpse of the Marauder's Map as he left, so he knew to go straight to the library.There he found James and Peter avidly browsing the Metaphorical Quidditch section.

"The play's off," he said dully.

James dropped _A Survey of Crude Sexual Symbolism in Quidditch with a thump."What?"_

"I have to stop embarrassing Remus," Sirius said as though that explained everything.

"Oh for God's sake," James said."Why is it that every time you two talk, you have to recreate the Big Bang?"

"James, I think you're being just a _wee bit overdramatic," Sirius said._

"Hold that thought a minute, we're going to come back to it," James said."Did Remus tell you you had to call off the play?"

"He certainly didn't try to persuade me otherwise."

"Sirius, you're going about this entirely the wrong way," James said."You're the one who's being dramatic about this.You're just sticking it in Remus's face by being all self-sacrificial, and you know it."

"You bastard," Sirius said bitterly."I hate it when you're right."

"And if you call off the play, you're damn sure going to have to tell them why," James said."So my advice is, keep going with it, but forget about it being for Remus.That way, he doesn't have to have anything to do with it."

"Except for the fact that he's playing Christine," Sirius said.

"Shit," James said emotionally."I'd forgotten about that.Well, we can just have Viola do it and find a new Orleanne – "

"No," Sirius interrupted."I'll convince him to do it.I know I can."

"Have you gone mad?" James said."You two talking makes thunderstorms.If you try convincing him, you're going to bring down the plagues again."

"No no no, I know just how to do it," Sirius said. "Bye bye, I'll talk to you later," and he left.

"I have a very bad feeling about this," James said to Peter.

"Forget about it," Peter advised."We're surrounded by Quidditch literature, it shouldn't be too hard."

"Ah yes," James said, bending down to retrieve his book.

Sirius ran up to the tower and burst into their room.Remus was stretched out on the floor trying to read.

"Remus, I forgot to tell you, you got voted to be Christine in the play, are you going to do it?"

Remus frowned."Who's Sebastian?"

"James," said Sirius.

"Oh," Remus said."In that case, I'll think about it."

"Please, Remus, you have to do it."Sirius plopped down in front of him and made a puppy face.Having spent so much time as a dog, he was quite good at it."Please?"He tried to pry Remus's book out of his hands, and Remus stubbornly resisted.

"I said I'd think about it, okay?"

So three days later Remus was in the common room holding a script wondering why the hell doggy eyes always without fail sucked him right in.The rest of the cast was there, even including Lockhart, and half of Gryffindor was there to watch too.

"Why do we have to rehearse in public?" Remus said irritably to Sirius, who was busy highlighting his own copy of the script."Say, who're you playing?"

"Act one, scene three," James bellowed; he was acting as director until such time as Lockhart's secret flu bug went into effect."The elephant scene."

This was greeted with a chorus of snickers.

"Fuck," Remus said quietly.Of course they had to skip the dirty dancing and go straight to the poetry in bed.He reluctantly went over to stand by the fireplace when James beckoned.

Sirius was standing there too.

"What're you doing here?" Remus said.

"Take it from the top, boys," James said.

Sirius caught Remus's expression and said quickly, "No, wait, Remus, I can explain – "

Remus dropped his script on the floor and ran for their room, Sirius in hot pursuit and James yelling, "Can't those two even stand next to each other without freaking Pompeii?"

Remus was still trying to put a ward on the door when Sirius burst in.

"Go to hell, you piece of shit," Remus said.He curled up on his bed and pointedly closed the curtains on Sirius."Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to talk to you?"

"Remus, you have to stop running away from things," Sirius said."Really, it doesn't solve anything."

"I wasn't running away," Remus said."I was just afraid I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face when you said you loved me, and that would have ruined the entire rehearsal."

"Remus, I didn't mean to lie," Sirius said."But you know how sometimes you say something when you're supposed to say something else but you don't because you want something else so much?Well, I did that."

"You don't want to be Sebastian?" Remus said.

"No, I want you to be Christine."

Silence on both sides of the curtain.

"Remus," said Sirius, "as long as you're mad at me, I'm going to tell you something else, okay?Well, you know how Sebastian sings that song to Christine during the elephant scene?I figured I'd better start practicing it, so I borrowed your guitar and you're probably going to kill me for this, but I put a charm on it and now I really can't play it at all.I mean, I try but it just plays whatever it wants, and I tried to take off the charm but it won't go.And then I wrote this song, and I want you to hear it. Remus, are you still alive?"

"No," Remus said, but without rancor."You've talked me to death."

"Oh," Sirius said."Can I play it for you?I really want you to hear it."

Remus sighed."Okay."

There were a few obligatory thumps and squawks as Sirius presumably got the guitar out from wherever he'd had it squirreled away.Then there were a few chords, and Sirius started to sing.His voice was fairly bad but the guitar somehow picked him up and took him away with it so that Remus smiled to himself in the warm dark.As for the song, you might have heard it before.It goes like this:

I wrote you this song

So therefore, it's yours

And you can tell everybody

It's not me who snores

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I don't understand

Our lives are so screwed up

'Cause I'm acting mad

It's a little bit funny

This feeling inside

Wish I could ignore it

And God knows, I've tried

But I can't ignore

What you've done for me

And it's not my fault I can't

Just let you be

So excuse my forgetting

I'm no good at this

See I just remembered

How I gave you that kiss

Well the thing is

What I really mean

What on earth was that for

And what does it mean

And you can tell everybody

It's not me who snores

It may be quite drippy but

I guess I'm done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I don't understand

Our lives are so screwed up

'Cause I'm acting mad

Sirius and the guitar faltered to a stop and he said, "Was that okay?"

"Are you kidding?" Remus said."It was … spectacular."

"Spectacular?"

"You got it."

"Really?" Sirius said happily."I wrote it myself, you know."

"I couldn't have guessed," Remus said, smiling.

"Does that mean you aren't mad at me anymore?"

"I couldn't be mad at you if you'd killed me," Remus said.He emerged to find Sirius sitting on the edge of his bed, holding the guitar and looking rapturous."I'll be your Christine," Remus said."I'll be in your play and I'll wear a dress and I'll be nice to Lockhart too.God help me, I'll even stir your Love Potion if you want."

"It does rather need it," Sirius managed, looking a little stunned and a lot ecstatic."But you really don't have to."

"It's up to you," Remus said."I'm just saying, if you want me to I'll go down there and pretend to be a courtesan for a few hours."

"All because of one song?"

"Well, not exactly," Remus said, blushing."It's just that I realized I was being kind of a baby about this whole thing, because you always want to make things better, and you wrote a whole play for me which not many people would do, and I've really been an insensitive turd and it wasn't that bad kissing you."

"Glad to hear it," Sirius said, grinning."Because you're going to have to again.In the _play," he said, catching the look on Remus's face."Only we can't be too good at it, or else they might suspect something."_

"Listen," Remus said, trying not to smile, "I'm sorry I ever said you didn't care.I was wrong and it was a horrible thing to say anyway."

"Oh, I don't care about that," Sirius said.He looked like he wanted to write another song."Should we go back down?"

"Are we going to have to dance?"

"Most likely."

"What about singing?"

"I will for sure.I don't know about you."

"And kissing?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Okay," Remus said."Let's do it."

They left, together.

%%%

To Be Continued

Acknowledgments/disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe or any of the characters therein.I also do not own the Moulin Rouge.The song is a shameless filk of Elton John's _Your Song.I banged this out in four days, so I hope it doesn't show._

Special thanks go out to – **thistlemeg** for her fabulous reviews.I read them whenever I get sad (or uninspired, or despairing).**Shawna** for letting me blither excitedly about the story when she probably had better things to do, and Potter skull sessions at dinner.**Ruth for being my unofficial beta and best sister.**

Please also review and tell me – what do you think of Lockhart?Is he too over the top? And how much tasteless humor is TOO much?

Until next time.


	5. Happy Happy Valentine's

A Night at the Golden Snail

Chapter 5 – Happy Happy Valentine's

The rating and spoilers have not changed.

**Warning:** You guys pretty much said the tasteless humor was up to me, so I took you at your word.  **Warning: Duck the hexes.**

**In this part: **Lots of good stuff as usual, I hope, and also the answer to the frequently asked question, who on earth voted for Remus as Christine? Besides me and Kurohyou, that is. g

**Additions to the usual disclaimer**: I got the idea of prefects being able to take a limited number of points from other students from someone else's fic, but I honestly can't remember whose.  I ripped the tapestry scene and Sirius's first line off _Hamlet_, my all-time favorite Shakespeare play. But really, is Shakespeare going to clamber out of his grave and come sue me because I think he's a freaking genius?

%%%

Sirius walked down the hall, headed for Gryffindor, singing something under his breath.  His pitch was atrocious but he didn't care, because he knew for a fact that no one could be this happy without bursting something.  So he sang a little louder, and juggled his book back and forth, and he was actually thinking about skipping down the rest of the hallway when he heard noises behind one of the tapestries that lined the walls.  

Sirius dropped his book, pulled out his wand and stabbed it into the tapestry.  Someone squealed, and the timbre of the squeal was unsettlingly familiar.  _Oh, God,_ Sirius thought.

"How now," he said.  "A rat?"

Peter fell out, scowling.  "I hate you filthy bastard," he said.  "Gimme my script, would you?" he added to the tapestry.

Ellie crept out, holding two parchments, and when she saw Sirius, her red face went redder.

"Going over your lines, were you?" Sirius said.

"Yes, we were."  Ellie stood up and stared at him defiantly, leaving Peter to scramble up on his own.  _The girl has brass_, Sirius thought with reluctant admiration.

"Well," he said, "practice is in a half hour, so we'll see how you've done then."  Sirius gave them both a thin smile, pretending not to notice their panicked looks, and moved on.

In the common room, James and Lockhart were huddled on a couch by the fire, having an intense discussion.  Sirius stopped and stared outright at them, but James just gave him a half-hearted wave and kept talking.  Lockhart didn't even look up.

Sirius ran up to their room.

"Remus," he said.  "Thank God."

Remus looked up.  He was writing something; Sirius could see his scurrying handwriting from across the room.  "What?" he said.

"I think the world's falling apart," he said.

Remus put down his quill, which promptly blurped ink onto the parchment.  "This had better not be about your getting a ninety-two on the Potions test," he said mildly.

Sirius dropped his book and went over to the desk.  He sat down cross-legged on the carpet and looked up at Remus.  "Lockhart and James," he said, "they're down there acting like – like he's supposed to be here, and Peter and Ellie –"

Remus kept looking at him.  Sirius sighed.

"I caught them snogging behind a tapestry," he said flatly.  "Don't go killing anyone, now."

Remus looked mildly amused.  "Is that all?" he said.

_No,_ Sirius wanted to say.  _I never knew you were left-handed until today.  How do I live with you for five and a half years and not notice until this minute?_

"What do you mean that's all?" he said.  "Doesn't that shake your faith in the universe?"

"It was bound to happen sometime, you know," Remus said.

"But she loves you!" Sirius burst out.

"Oh, I was talking about James," Remus said.  "Actually, I'm not surprised about that, either.  She's just trying to make me jealous."

"I assume it's not working?" Sirius said dryly.

"No," Remus said.  "I don't particularly want to snog her."

"Don't you?" Sirius said, feeling obscurely disappointed.

"No," Remus said, looking at him sideways.  "You might get jealous."

Sirius opened his mouth on the off chance that something intelligent might come out of it, but fortunately just then the door creaked open.

It was Peter.  "They want you downstairs," he said.

Sirius scooted around and said accusingly, "It's not time for practice yet."

"I know," Peter said.  "Hurry up."

Sirius wanted to say something more but he was distracted by the warmth of Remus's hand on his shoulder.

"We'll be right there," Remus said.

Peter smirked and left.

The entire cast was assembled on the couches facing the fireplace, before which McGonagall was standing.  She did not look pleased.  Remus felt his face flame, but he tilted his chin and walked in with a confidence he did not feel.

"Have a seat," McGonagall said.  "We were just discussing the fate of your play."

Sirius gave her a baleful look and sat on the floor next to Remus.

"I have read it in its entirety –" she shook a fistful of parchment at them – "and I will tell you that in its present form, I will not allow it to be performed at Hogwarts."

"Why not?" Sirius said loudly.

"The main character, Mister Black, is a courtesan –"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said.  "I keep forgetting that."

"And it is set in a br – a _nightclub," she said.  "In other words, it is entirely unsuitable.  I am afraid I will have to ask you –"_

Lockhart made a small sound and the whole room turned to look at him.  "Might I say something?"

McGonagall actually rolled her eyes.  "Don't waste my time."

"Professor," James said, "can't we just rewrite it?"

McGonagall eyed him.  "You may," she said.  "Bring it to me when you're done and I will review it."  She glared around at them by way of dismissal, then left by the fireplace.

"What a bitch," Lockhart said bitterly.  "She sure rolled _her chignon too tight this morning."_

"Well," James said, "it looks like I have some writing to do."  He rose to his feet.  "If you'll excuse me –"

"Not so fast," Sirius said, leaping up.  "You don't know the first thing about the story, how do you think you're going to rewrite it?"

"I don't have to know anything," James said.  "I'm just editing out the Golden Snail, the absinthe, the fact that Christine is a courtesan…"

"You're going to ruin it," Sirius said flatly.

"_Someone_ has to," James said.  "You heard McGonagall, if we leave the play like it is, it's going nowhere."

 "You're right, of course," Sirius said.  "But I'm still allowed to hate you for it."

"Would it help if I rewrote it?" Lockhart said.

James and Sirius both stared at him.

"I mean, you hate me anyway, right?" Lockhart said to Sirius.  "And I really have read the books, I swear."

"Would you?" Sirius said.  "Please?"

"McGonagall thinks I'm writing it," James said.

"So put it in your handwriting and tell her you wrote it," Lockhart said impatiently.  "God, no wonder Gryffindors never get anything done.  I'll go get the script, shall I?"

He got up, smoothing his robes, which Remus noticed with disgust had green embroidery round the edges in what looked like a pattern of intertwining serpents.  Remus got up too and left the room before Lockhart had even finished primping.  He went up to their dorm and pretended to be writing when Lockhart came up so he could ignore the interfering git.  Once he'd gone Remus flung down his quill and stared hard out the window.

The door creaked, and Remus jumped.

"Remus?"

"Sirius," he said.  "Thank God."

Sirius looked uncomfortable.  "What is it?" he said.

"I thought you were Lockhart."  Remus got up and went over to his bed.  He sat down on the edge of it and began unlacing his boots.  After a moment, Sirius sat down on his own bed, facing Remus but trying not to look at him.

"What if I'd been Lockhart?" Sirius said.

"I would have jumped out the window."  Remus yanked viciously at the laces.

"He's not that bad."

"Don't you see what he's doing?" Remus said.  "He's worming his way into our good graces.  First it was James, now you, but I'll be damned if I'll be beholden to a fruit basket like him."  Remus pried his boots off and began on his tie.

"What's wrong with him?" Sirius said.  "I mean, yeah, he's a Slytherin, but it's not like he's – er, affiliated with anyone."

"How do _you_ know that?" Remus said.  "He might be, for all we know.  It's not like they go around with freaking name tags."

"He's too big a priss," Sirius said.  "He'd never get his hands dirty.  Just look at his robes."

"That could be a trick too," Remus said harshly.  He took off his tie, undid the top button of his shirt, and stretched full length on the bed, hands folded under his head.  "Face it," he said, "there's no way to tell for sure."

"I know," Sirius said softly, looking at the toes of his own boots.  "But I think we can trust him."

Remus didn't say anything, just sighed.

"Well, maybe he won't mess up the play too much," Sirius said.  "That _was rotten of McG, though."_

Remus snorted.  "You think she just happened to find a copy of the script lying around?  I bet someone ratted us out."

"Damn," Sirius said.

"And my money's on Lockhart," Remus said.

"But he wanted to do the play," Sirius said.

"I'm telling you, we can't trust one word out of his mouth.  The man's a born actor.  Did you just hear something?"

"Er, no," Sirius said.

"Oh, it was probably nothing," Remus said as he pulled his wand from his pocket.  He aimed it over his shoulder and shot a spell at the door in one fluid motion.  The door obediently flew open, sending Artie sprawling on the carpet.

Both of them leapt to their feet, but Sirius was quicker; he hit Artie with a jet of poison ivy and then, once he was safely out in the hall, a Laxative Hex.

"Too bad he's in our bathroom," Remus said bitterly, sitting back down as Sirius closed and warded the door.

"The house-elves'll clean it up," Sirius said dismissively, returning to his own bed.  "So d'you think –"

The door banged open and Ellie came barging in, followed by Peter.

"I just got done warding that door," Sirius yelped.

"You might tell them that," Remus said, looking with distaste at the amorous couple, who were now tussling breathlessly on the floor.  He stood up and glared at them.  "Excuse me," he said.  "Sirius and I have to go snog."

They left, Sirius locking the door behind them.

"I don't think they heard you," he said, pocketing the key.

"Of course they didn't," Remus said.  There was a sudden, violent noise from the bathroom.  "Want to go downstairs?"

Sirius nodded fervently, and they descended the stairs.

In the common room, Lockhart and Potter were hunched over the script, writing in turns with the same quill and speaking in low voices.  James's blond head was practically touching James's black one.  Sirius jerked his head towards the portrait hole, and Remus nodded.

Once they were outside, Remus said to Sirius, "You were right, you know."

Sirius looked at him inquiringly.  "What about?"

"The world _is_ falling apart."

"I know," Sirius said.  "So what do you want to do?"

"Find something to transfigure into boots first," Remus said.

"Right," Sirius said.  "Then maybe a quick stop at the Astronomy Tower?"

"Yes," Remus said, "but only if we can go to the library afterwards and do some of that extra reading Flitwick suggested."

"Come on," Sirius said.  "I don't think anyone'll miss a couple shields from the trophy room, do you?"

%%%

At nine-oh-seven on Saturday morning, Remus was awakened by a flock of owls attacking his bedcurtains and Sirius cursing at top volume.  Of course, Remus didn't realize they were owls until he'd ripped open the curtains and lunged for his wand, only to be pelted with two dozen envelopes and a few owl feathers.  As the flock exited through the open window, Remus noticed Sirius on his hands and knees by the desk trying to blot the carpet with his robe.  The cauldron was on the floor, bleeding out the last of the Love Potion.

"Oh God," Remus said.  He grabbed one of his robes and joined Sirius by the cauldron.  "What're we going to do?"

"Buggered if I know," Sirius said heavily.  "I haven't got the time to make another batch and I'm broke too."

"Can't you just tell them what happened?"

"I could," Sirius said.  "But, you know, the only reason they haven't said anything before now is because they think they're going to get Love Potion for their trouble, and when they find out they aren't –"

"The entire school's going to know," Remus said.  "Oh well –" he sneered a little – "it'll just make the play that much more interesting."

"Oh God," Sirius said.  "We're going to have to kiss in front of _everyone."_

Remus suddenly had a nasty thought.  "Sirius," he said.  "Do you think – would they have told people to vote for us, for Sebastian and Christine?"

Sirius stared at him, Love Potion dripping all over his socks.  "Shit," he said.  "What a bunch of voyeuristic turdbags."

"I don't believe this," Remus said.  "How much of this crud is there anyway?" he added, dropping his sodden robe.  He went over to his trunk to get another one and realized that he still had twenty envelopes to open.

"Do you mind?" Remus said, indicating the pile.

"I don't care," Sirius said.  "But I could use another robe."

Remus tossed him one, then settled down on his bed and slit the first envelope.

"Why would someone send me a love poem?" he said, frowning at the card.

"It's Valentine's Day, you numbskull," Sirius said, blotting faster.

Remus stared at the pile of envelopes.  Then he stared at the calendar.  Then back at the envelopes.  "Are you sure?" he said.

"Fairly."

"Shit."

"What?" Sirius said.  "You forget to send yours out or something?"

Remus snorted.  "Did you send any?"

Sirius looked at the carpet.  "No."

"You're lying," Remus said gleefully.  "Who?"  
"I don't have to tell you," Sirius mumbled, turning red.

"Yes you do," Remus said.  "I bet it was Viola, wasn't it?  You have the _biggest_ crush on her."

"The hell I do," Sirius said, flinging down the robe and making for the door.  Remus jumped up and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"You tell me not to run away from things," Remus said reasonably, looking straight into Sirius's dark glare.  He said nothing.

"Is it really that big a deal?" Remus said quietly.

"Yes," said Sirius.

"Okay."  Remus dropped his hands.  "I'm sorry."

Neither of them moved.

"I'm not running away," Sirius said.  "I'm just going to breakfast."

He turned away, jammed his boots on and left.

"What about the potion?" Remus said to the door.  "I guess I get to clean that up, huh."

He wadded up the sodden robes and stuffed them in the cauldron, resolving to break into Filch's cleaning supplies later, and sat down to read the rest of his valentines.  All of the signed ones were from girls who thought he was a fantastic actor, with one exception.

"Oh God," Remus said, holding it in his hand.  It said _Happy Valentine's Day – Your Friend Sirius._

"I don't believe this," he said more quietly, thinking, and I called _him_ thoughtless_._

He dug out James's cloak and the map and stole Filch's personal cleaning supplies from his office to clean the carpet.  Then he took the robes to the house-elves to get them washed, came back and wrote Sirius a note, which he left on his pillow.  After that nothing remained but to hide all the valentines at the bottom of his trunk and wonder where Sirius was until lunchtime.

All three of them were at the Gryffindor table, talking intently, when Remus came down.  He sat down across from Sirius and said, "Long breakfast."

"Oh," Sirius said.  "I went to watch practice."

"Oh," Remus said.  Just then Lockhart came over, a stack of cards in his hand, and began distributing them to the Gryffindor table.

"Sorry they're late, gents," Lockhart said as he handed them their cards, "but I thought I'd wait until everyone was here," and he actually winked at Remus before he moved on.

"Aren't you going to open it?" Sirius said snidely.  "I bet he made yours extra pink and frilly."

Remus shoved it under his plate, hoping it would disappear when the food did.  "This day's been bad enough already, thanks," he said.

Ellie was sitting next to Peter and all through the meal Remus tried to pretend they weren't hand-feeding each other their entire meal, tried in fact to pretend that Sirius was resolutely not looking at him and that he could not stop himself blushing with shame every time he looked at Sirius.  As soon as Remus was done he shoved back his chair and announced, "I'm going to the library."

"Not with all those valentines you got this morning, you're not," Sirius said.

Remus noticed with a touch of panic that half the Gryffindor girls were blushing.  He stood up abruptly.

"You're running away," Sirius said in a sing-song voice.

Remus glared at him.  "Listen, if you're just jealous, why don't you find some other way to humiliate me?"

"I don't give a shit about your stupid valentines."

"Then why'd you send me one?" Remus said, and as soon as he did he regretted it, because Sirius looked like he had just gotten an arrow in the heart.  He jumped up to leave and Remus said, which was another mistake, "_I'm_ not running away."

"Fine," Sirius said in a poison voice.  "I will stay here as long as it takes to prove I'm not."

"Fine," Remus said in a matching voice.

They both sat down and glared at each other, as everyone else finished their meals, as they left in pairs to snog in their common rooms or snuggle in the library, Remus and Sirius sat on either side of an empty table with the pale dead sky over their heads.

They had only been there half an hour when Remus shifted in his seat and said, "I am such a jerk."

"Yes," Sirius agreed.  "You are."

"I shouldn't have said that," Remus said.

"I shouldn't have sent it," Sirius said.  "But I thought –"

"I thought it was wonderful."

"You did?"  Sirius lifted his eyes, and Remus gave him a tiny smile.

"I've never gotten a valentine before," he said.

"Besides the twenty you got today," Sirius pointed out.

"I meant one that meant something."

Nothing much to say to that.  Sirius squirmed in his seat.  "Do you think," he said, "if we leave at the same time it wouldn't be running away?"

"I think you're right," Remus said.

They got up and walked together back to the common room, watching each other to make sure that neither was a step ahead.

James was stretched out on his bed reading.  "Sirius," he said, "you might want to read your secret admirer love note."

Sirius looked at Remus.  Remus blushed.

"Oh, and by the way, your Love Potion's missing," James said.

%%%

That evening in the Gryffindor common room, there was a Valentine's Day party.  Viola Cunningham had organized it, so it was a cast party, theoretically at least.  In reality, it was composed of the sort of people who couldn't get anyone to snog them in empty classrooms, which meant that it was quite a boring party.  Making it worse was the fact that Lockhart was there.

"Uh-huh," Remus said in response to one of his idiocies or other, and sampled his drink again.  It still tasted like cotton candy.

"Viola?" he called.

"Did I hear my name?"  She turned around and spotted Remus looking at her.  Sirius was holding onto her hand, looking like he wanted to burst into flame.

"What is this stuff?" he said, holding up the goblet.

"Oh, that."  She tittered musically.  "My own special recipe.  Come on, snugglebunny," she said to Sirius, and they left.

Remus sniffed suspiciously at the drink, then realized he and Lockhart were the only ones left in the room, unless you counted the five or six couples who had found more corners than Remus had thought possible in a round room.  Remus also noticed that Lockhart's drink was more than half gone.

Remus thought he was going to be sick, and said so.

He ran for their dorm, hoping to find a small piece of normality in this truly awful day.  Unfortunately, in his troubled state of mind he had forgotten that Peter and Ellie had disappeared up there hours ago.

"Don't you people lock the door?" Remus yelled, thoroughly revolted.  He slammed the door shut and warded it several times over, including two Silencing Charms just in case.  He sank to the floor, pressing his eyelids closed in an attempt to forget what he'd just seen.  Whatever it was, they were breaking, Remus estimated, at _least_ seven school rules.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor," he said to the door, wishing he was allowed to take more.  "And don't let me catch you anywhere _near_ anything of mine."

Not likely, Remus thought grimly, getting to his feet.  There was only one place in this crazy castle where he would be safe tonight, and that was the library.

Somehow, Remus was entirely unsurprised when he arrived at the library to find it deserted except for Lockhart, who was sitting at one of the long battered tables and consulting the latest issue of _Runic Quarterly._

Lockhart looked up and smiled at him.  Remus was surprised he didn't glow in the dark.  "You can sit here," he said, "if you like."

Remus did.  "May I ask you a nosy question?" he said.

Lockhart flipped the journal closed, still grinning.  "I live for nosy questions," he said.

"Okay," Remus said.  "What is your deal?"

Lockhart looked politely puzzled.  "I'm sure I don't know –"

"I'm sure you do," Remus said.  "You were in the common room when I left."

Lockhart shrugged.  "And now I'm here."

"Reading _RQ_," Remus said.  "And I know you're not in Ancient Runes.  Why are you trying to impress me?"

Lockhart looked at him consideringly.  It occurred to Remus that if he was a girl he would think Lockhart devastating, and then he wondered why on this particular night Lockhart was sitting across from him in the darkened library.  Several possibilities occurred to him, none of them pleasant.

"Because," Lockhart said, "I get the idea that you don't impress easily.  And I want to impress you."

Remus thought about that in silence.  "I think I should be impressed by that," he said.

"Aren't you?"

"I don't think so."

"What do you think of me?" Lockhart said.

"I think you're a flamboyant, self-absorbed elf-man," Remus said.  "And I don't trust you."

"You shouldn't," Lockhart said.  "Trusting people these days isn't advisable."

"Do you trust anyone?"

"I trust certain people to act certain ways some of the time," Lockhart said.

"Do you think I'm –"

"You don't seem the type," Lockhart said.  "But I'm sure you know how little that means."

"But why do you want to impress me?"

"I told you," Lockhart said.  "Because conjuring tricks aren't good enough for you."

It occurred to Remus that Lockhart might be telling the truth.  "Can you read runes?" he said.

"No."

"You might start there," Remus said, pushing the journal toward him.  "And don't act fake around me, either."  He got up, gave Lockhart a tight smile, and left.

Out in the corridor, he realized that there was nowhere left to go.  Whatever was in the air tonight was probably even making the house-elves giggle.  So he went out to the Shrieking Shack.  There was a couch there that wasn't too badly ripped.  Remus stretched out on it and, a long while later, fell asleep.

%%%

The next morning Remus woke late and went slowly back to the castle.  Sirius was in their room, sitting on the carpet and carefully studying a section of his robe.  Remus pretended not to notice.

"How was your night?" he said, going over to his bed.

"Very good," Sirius said.  "But it seems yours was better.  Where were you, anyway?"

"The Shrieking Shack," Remus said.

Sirius frowned.  "How inventive."

"I wasn't with anyone," Remus said irritably.  "I had a rotten night, if you must know."

"That's too bad," Sirius said.

Remus scowled at him, but he didn't appear to notice.  Sighing, Remus reached for the clean folded robes that were sitting on top of the covers.

"Don't put those on," Sirius said sharply.

"Why not?" Remus said.  "Will I stir up too much air?"

"Those are the robes that the house-elves cleaned," Sirius said.

"I know that, now why can't I put them on?"

"Try it and see, then," Sirius snapped.

"Fine, I will."  Remus pulled off his old robes and replaced them with the new, and promptly sagged against the bedpost, staring at Sirius.  "Oh," he said.  "Shit."

"Take them off, please?" Sirius said.

"If you want."  Remus did, reluctantly, and sank to the floor to sit by Sirius.

"Why does it do that?" he said.

"I don't know," Sirius said.  "It looks as though the potion's out, but it can't be.  I have to admit, I'm stumped."  Sirius stood up, muttering _Finite Incantatem.  "I think I'm going to take this to Professor Paquerette," he said firmly._

"You're an idiot," Remus said.

"I know," Sirius said, "but I have to know."

"Sirius –"  He didn't know what to say.  "I think this is a majorly bad idea."

"Probably," Sirius said.

"Love Potions are illegal," Remus said quietly.  "And I think we both know why."

Sirius's face twisted.  "I know," he said.  "But I can't just leave them like this and I don't know how to fix them either.  I'll just have to tell her and hope –"

"Hope she doesn't ask?" Remus said sharply.

"Yeah," Sirius said.  "Something like that."

Professor Paquerette's office was on the third floor.  Sirius knocked, and she called, "Come in."

"Hello, Professor," Sirius said, taking the chair opposite her desk and shifting a stack of parchments so he could set the robes down.

"Hello, Sirius," she said, corking her ink bottle.  "Is there a potion involved in this somehow?"

"Yes, actually," he said.

"Oh," she said.  "Well, tell me all about it."  
"Okay," Sirius said.  He sighed, and told her the story, all of it except for the part about Remus.  Paquerette had picked up one of the robes and was inspecting it closely.

"Are you going to expel me?" Sirius said.

"That depends," Paquerette said.  "Does it work?"

"I, er – well – yes," Sirius said, blushing.

"Not many sixth years are up to making a Love Potion," she said, looking at him intently.

"It was fairly difficult," Sirius admitted.  "I had a bit of trouble with the morning dew since it's the off season, you know."

"Do you mind if I try this on?"

"You, er, won't want me in here for that," Sirius said, leaping up.  He waited outside the door until she called him back in.

"I'm not going to expel you," she said.

"Good," Sirius said fervently.

"However, I do have to make sure this doesn't happen again," she said.  "You know where that workroom is, in the dungeons?"

"Yeah," Sirius said, looking puzzled.

"It's yours."  Paquerette took a key out of her desk drawer and handed it to him.

"Wow," Sirius said, staring at the key.  "This is incredible.  Thank you."

"Well, I can't have you spilling illegal potions on the carpet, you know," Paquerette said, smiling.

"Wow," Sirius said again.  "This is _amazing_."

"You know, you have an innate talent for potionmaking, Sirius," said Paquerette.  "If you work at it, you could do just about anything you wanted."

"Thank you," Sirius said.  "You don't know how happy that makes me."

"But Sirius – no more Love Potions, all right?"

"No," Sirius said.  "Of course not."

Sirius went back up to Gryffindor feeling as loopy as a love letter.  He felt as though he could jump off the Astronomy Tower and bounce.

"It went well, then," Remus said dryly, seeing his face.

"Better than you would ever believe."  Sirius told him the whole story, even showed him the key.

"Sirius," said Remus.  "I need to know something."

"Anything."

"Were you alone when you tried on the robe?"

"Yes," Sirius said.  "Why?"

"How did it make you feel?"

"You know," Sirius said, blushing a little.  "You tried it on too."

"But you were here," Remus said, "and that was – er, you know."

"Me?" Sirius said.

"Yeah," Remus said almost inaudibly.  "And I thought it was because you were there – but if you were alone –"

"I think I know what happened now," Sirius said, an abstracted look on his face.  "Normally, you know, you'd add your hair, and the potion would bond to that.  But the potion wasn't finished yet, so it must have bonded to the fibers instead, and you probably got my robes by accident."

"Does that mean you got mine?"

"Er," Sirius said.  "Yes, actually.  Oh, _shit."_

"What?"

"Paquerette tried one on."

"Oh, shit," Remus said.  "Whose?"

"I couldn't tell."  Sirius put his head in his hands.  "This is bad."

"It doesn't last, does it?" Remus said, sounding faintly panicky.

"Only as long as you wear it, probably," Sirius said.

"Didn't she say anything?"

"Yeah," Sirius said.  "Not to make any more Love Potions."

"Oh, God," Remus said with finality.  "This is so bad.  She didn't say anything else?"

"She did say I was innately talented at potionmaking," Sirius said, which thought made him grin.

"That's no help," Remus said irritably.  "She would have said that _anyway."_

"Yeah," Sirius said dreamily.  "Well, don't worry about it too much.  I mean, the worst thing that can happen is your Potions grade'll go up a little."

"I hope it _was_ me, then," Remus said, brightening.  "You sure don't need it."

"Yeah," Sirius said.  "What an amazing day."

To Be Continued


	6. I'm only in it for the Quidditch

**A Night at the Golden Snail**

Chapter 6 – I'm only in it for the Quidditch

(If you're reading with intent to sue, go look at part one and read the disclaimer.)

%%%

James loved being on the Quidditch team.  It was just practicing that he couldn't stand.  And out of the week's practice, Friday was by far the worst because it meant giving up your free afternoon, while your friends were concocting potions or playing wizarding death cribbage, to run around the Quidditch pitch five times holding your broomstick above your head.  This was what their captain, Leslie Bank, called warm-up.  James called it many other things, but the penalty was an extra lap if he did so on the field.

"Happy weekend, suckers," James said, wheezing slightly, as he passed Abelman.

"Drive it, Sidd," yelled Bank, who was already on her third lap.  "You all are a bunch of pansy-assed wimps."

James wondered briefly how she had enough breath to tell them off, but he was distracted by the way his breath felt in his lungs.  He couldn't think hard enough to describe it.

"I – want – to – die," Peter said.

James silently agreed.

"You do not walk on the Quidditch pitch," Bank bellowed, trotting off the field and dropping her broomstick.  "Do I have to remind you every week?"

James put on an extra burst of speed and finished just ahead of Abelman; he threw his broom down and collapsed on the grass.  He felt like he was going to die.

"Get something to drink, Potter," said Bank.  "You sound like an asthmatic hippo."

"Thanks," James gasped, and dragged himself over to the jug of water on the sidelines.  "The hell's Sirius?"

Bank scowled, but let it pass.  "I don't know."

Peter fell down next to Bank, snapping several twigs off his broom in the process.

"Stay after and fix that," Bank said, looking down at Peter.  "Where's your crummy friend at?"

Peter tugged his hand out from under his body and pointed a limp finger at James.

"No," Bank said, "your crummy friend with the funky hair and the glasses."

"Not – James?"

"No, the water boy, you ninny."

"Oh."  Peter interrupted himself with a phlegmy, bending cough that left him curled on the grass in the fetal position.  "Sirius."

"That's the one.  Where is he?"

"God knows."  Peter felt the grass in front of him for bits of lung.

Bank sighed.  "Fine."  Everyone had finished by then so she began her ritual address to them.  

"I know it's Friday, I know it's raining, I know the field doesn't drain worth snot, I know half of you were up late last night doing your Charms project, and I don't care.  We are still going to bust booty out there today, and no whining about the rain either.  Potter, charm the glasses or take them off, I don't want any excuses from you today."

"Can't we sit in the mud for the next five years?" Peter whined, but quietly.

"Okay," Bank said, "now here's what we're going to do toda –"  She stopped talking and went remarkably red.

"Anyone know what to do for a heart attack?" James said.

"Oh dear Lord," Bank sighed.  "It's him."

Everyone promptly swiveled around to face the castle.

"Ooh, it's him," the other girls said more or less at once.

"Who're you talking about?" James said.  "The only person I see is Remus."

Bank, Sidd and Green let out simultaneous sighs that practically snapped their broomsticks.

"He looks so _sexy_ today," Sara Green said.

"Yeah," Sidd agreed.  "But then he does every day."

This made both of them, for no apparent reason, break out in mad giggles.  The four male members of the team exchanged uncomfortable looks.

"You guys," Bank said.  Her face never got that red, even during practice.  "I have the _biggest crush on him."_

"Remus?" James said incredulously.  "You're out of your tree.  He looks like he just came from Potions or something."

"He does, doesn't he?" Green said happily.  "I had a dream about him in Potions the other day."

"You dreamed about Remus during Potions, or you dreamed about Remus being in Potions?"

"Both." 

"Lucky sod."

"You guys," Bank hissed, "I think he's coming this way."

"No _won_der you're the captain," James said just as Remus came up to them.  Actually, he looked more as though he'd been doing lawn work; his robes were grass-stained and he had blades of grass in his shining hair.

"Sirius sends his apologies," Remus said.  "He couldn't be here because he's – um.  Well, he's busy so he sent me to be the water boy instead."  Remus smiled which was a bad idea because Bank already looked like she was having trouble breathing.

"Five laps around the pitch can really get to you, huh?" James said snidely.

His comment had the desired effect because now Bank looked like she wanted to fertilize the pitch with him.  "Team meeting," she snapped.  "Underneath the south goalposts."

James shrugged minutely in response to Remus's puzzled look and followed the rest of the team over.

"Okay," Bank said.  "I'd like a show of hands – who thinks Remus should replace Sirius as water boy?"

Predictably, only three of the team thought so.

"Opposed?" James said.

There were three of them.

"What?" Peter said.  "I'm not voting against either one of my friends, okay?"

"Pete, you've missed the point," James said.  "The girls are acting like moonstruck – _shit."_

"Did you just call us shit?" Bank said.  "Four laps for swearing on the field, Potter."

"_Four_?" he said.  "It's been one per swear word for as long as I've been on this team."

"Four, Potter," said Bank.  "Pick up your broomstick."

"Fruitcake," James swore, and started off.

"Now," Bank said.  "All in favor?  Thank you, ladies.  And all opposed?"

There were only two.

"Wonderful," Bank said with ill-disguised glee.  "Follow me, team."

They strode up to Remus, Bank in the lead trying violently to fluff her bangs.

"Remus," she said.  "We've – er, that is, the team has elected you to be the new water boy, so, um, will you do it?"

"Sorry," Remus said.  "I can't."

"What?" Bank said.  "You can't not do it."

Remus looked at her levelly.  "It would break Sirius's heart if I did," he said.  "And I can't do that."

Bank made a small strangling noise.  "Okay," she said at last.  "Let's get to work, then."

In actuality, though, no one got any work done but the three Chasers, who had one of their best practices ever.  While the girls flew endless complicated patterns hoping to catch Remus's eye, he was busy instructing Blakely on some of the finer points of strategy which Bank and the others had never been able to explain to him in small enough words.  Once James had finished his laps and was able to breathe consistently, the Chasers went through all of their moves with Remus coaching from the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Bank was so busy staring at Remus that she flew straight into one of the goalposts.

"He's a better captain than our captain," James said, once they had put away their broomsticks and were heading for the castle.

"Why didn't she just tell me I was supposed to catch the ball when you threw it?  I can understand _that_," Blakely said for the thirty-first time.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Peter said.  "I mean, it's just Remus."

"Yes, but he's _so sexy_," James said.  "The boy shows up looking like he slept out in the forest and they want to make a freaking statue.  If I showed up looking like that they'd start whining about chivalry being dead and all that crap."

"No they wouldn't, you look like that every day at practice," Peter said.

James scowled.  "There's got to be some other reason for it.  Has he gotten his hair cut lately?"  James ran a hand through his own slovenly hair self-consciously.

"No," Peter said, "not unless you count Sirius trying to cut it."

"No, then," James said.  "I know, he must have a secret girlfriend."

"Yes, Remus must be in love," Peter agreed.  "That would explain why he and Sirius are always off making potions."

James jerked his head around to stare at Peter.  "Bloody hell, Pete, you don't mean –"

"Well, I don't see why not," Peter said.  "Sirius is smart enough to make Love Potion, I bet."

"You numbskull, that's not what they're up to," James said.  "It's perfectly obvious what's going on.  Sirius is making Remus Polyjuice, and his secret girlfriend is taking it to look like Sirius so they can sneak off to the potions lab together."  James thought about that and added, "Remus's secret girlfriend, that is."

"You're so full of shit," Peter said.  "He's probably just sleeping with half the Quidditch team.  Er –"  He counted swiftly on his fingers.  "Not _quite_ half, I guess."

"I'm going to ask Remus to help me with my Potions," Blakely announced.  "He says things so clear."

"You're so crass," James said.  "He's probably in love with some pathetic Hufflepuff and writing bad sonnets in scented ink."

"But Remus hates scented ink," Peter said.  "It makes him sneeze."

"You're so dense," James said.  "It's perfectly obvious what's going on."

"If you don't know, why don't you just _ask him?" Blakely said._

"What an idiotic idea," James and Peter both agreed.

That evening at dinner, James flumped into the seat next to Remus and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Remus!" he said.  "How's my best pal today?"

Remus looked up suspiciously from his empty plate.  "What d'you want?"

"Nothing, nothing," James said, idly raking the tines of his fork along the edge of the table.  "By the way, are you in love?"

Remus snorted.  "What gives you that idea?"

"I don't know," James said.  "It's just that all the girls on the Quidditch team are suddenly in love with you and I _know_ you haven't had a haircut."

"I gave him a haircut," Sirius said in mild indignation.

"I meant haircut in the sense of cutting off hair," James said.  "So what's the story, Remus?"

"I'm not in love," he said, smiling about something.  
"Yeah?" James said.  "So why are you acting like a goofy idiot and spending all your time with Sirius making moron potions?"

"You've cracked it," Remus said.  "Sirius and I are actually carrying on a flaming romance over our flaming cauldron."

"You'd better not joke about things like that," James said, annoyed.  "Or at least try to sound like you're joking.  Now, what's the deal?"

"Surely you don't think I'm going to _tell you –"_

"So there's something to tell?"

"No –" Remus blushed.  "You're such an asshole.  Bread?"

"Thanks."  James took three slices.  "Just tell me.  You know I'm going to make your life miserable until you do."

"Then what happens after?"

James groaned.  "Sirius, do _you_ know what he's up to?"

 Sirius jerked and looked up, his mouth hanging open to display a bit of masticated carrot.  "What?"

"You're such a swine," James said, sucking the last of the butter off his knife.  "Where were you that you couldn't come to practice?"

"I – oh, hell."  Sirius ducked his head.  "I'd just like to say right now that Remus and I are _not having a flaming affair."_

"I'll be sure to cross that off my list," James said.  "Someone just please tell me what the secret is or I'll have to start looking in the laundry for champagne glasses."

"Ew, why would you ever look in the laundry?" Peter said.  "It's so putrid in that corner."

"You people are missing the point," James said.  "Exactly who is having a flaming affair here?"

"Me."

"Besides Peter."

"No one is," Remus said irritably.  "It's just that half the school seems to be in love with me now."

"That's it," James said.  "Why are they, again?"

Remus shrugged.  "Beats me."

"Oh."  James thought about that for much longer than necessary.  "That was all I really wanted to know."

"You might have just asked," Remus said.

"Wait," James said.  "I'm confused.  What are you and Sirius doing in the potions lab?"

"Not having a flaming affair."

"But you said –" Peter stopped.  "Oh.  Never mind."

"Forget it," James said.  "Just forget I ever said anything and let's talk about something simple instead, like Quidditch."

%%%

It had taken them an absurdly long time, but James and Lockhart had at last finished revising the play.  When Remus looked it over for the first time, he understood the delay.

James was standing behind Remus, reading over his shoulder and giggling self-consciously at the funny bits.  "Well?" he said when Remus was done.  "What do you think?"

He sounded so pathetically proud that Remus resolved to be diplomatic about it.  "Er," he said.  "What happened to the Golden Snail?"

"You don't like it, do you," James said.  "You think it's a piece of trash, don't you?"

"Did I say that?" Remus said.  "I was just a bit curious as to why you made Christine the captain of the Lady Lions Quidditch team and Sebastian –"

"The wardrobe boy?" Lockhart said.  "I don't mind telling you that was my idea."

Remus scowled.  "Why didn't you just change his name to James?  Well, I guess I can see how two of them might get confusing."  He stood up but the other James was suddenly in his way.

"Christine is not me," he said in a dangerous voice.

"Oh that's right," Remus said, "you're not captain of the Quidditch team, are you."

James looked ready to spit.  "I did not spend two weeks on this so you could tell me your stupid little books are better."

"Did I say that?" Remus said.  "You're just so sensitive about your writing that you think I'm saying what you already know."

"And what's that?" James said.

"This play is a piece of shit."

Sirius walked into the room balancing a flower pot full of thorns and a pair of hedge clippers.  "Hi everyone," he said absently, walking across the room and depositing his things on the desk.  "Remus, I got our thorns."

"You're all scratched," Remus said.  "Why didn't you use magic?"

"They work better this way," Sirius explained, getting out his wand to tend to his scratches.  "I showed you that part in the book, right?"

"Sirius, would you stop distracting Remus?" James said.  "We're trying to have an argument here, if you don't mind."

"He's not distracting me," Remus said, whirling around to face James.  "And I'd just like to say that as of right now I am not having anything to do with this piece of trash."

"You aren't?" Sirius said.

"Have you read it?" Remus said.  "It's a travesty."

"It did seem like there was something missing," Sirius said thoughtfully, twiddling his wand.

"Like what?" James demanded.  "It's got everything – humor, Quidditch, friendship, obvious platitudes –"

"But no romance," Sirius said.  Everyone stared at him.

"Of course there's no romance," James said.  "As I recall, McG expressly told us to get rid of the romance."

"She told you to get rid of the sex," Sirius said.  "She did _not_ tell you to get rid of the romance."

"But how can there be romance without sex?" James said, looking frankly puzzled.

Sirius rolled his eyes.  "I feel sorry for whoever ends up with you."

"Gee, thanks, moron," James said.  "So what do you suggest we do for romance?"

"Well," Sirius said, "at this point there's not much you can do to save it."

"What do you mean save it?" James said.  "It can't possibly be that bad.  I mean, I'm a pretty good writer, aren't I?"

"James," Sirius said, "thinking you're a pretty good writer is the biggest delusion of them all."

"I'm with James," said Lockhart.  "I think it's bloody brilliant."

"Thanks, James," he said.  Remus snorted.

"Remus," said Lockhart, "what do we have to do for you to be a part of this play?"

He was about to reply when James had a brilliant idea.

"Remus," he said, "you get to play Quidditch."

"Oh my God, that's right," Remus said.  "Can I use your broom?"

"Fine," James said, imagining his heart break.

They shook on it.

"I'd just like you to know that I still think the play's pathetic," Remus said.  "I'm only in it for the Quidditch."

"Remus, I don't give a shit what you think, so long as you don't tell me about it and you learn your lines," James said.

"Whatever," Remus said.  "At least I don't have to wear a bloody dress."

%%%

"Hurry up, people," James said.  "Act three, scene four."

"Why are we rehearsing the death scene first?" Remus said to Sirius as he pulled on his Quidditch gloves.

"Isn't it obvious?" Sirius said.

"I guess so."  Remus was quiet for a minute.  "All right, I give up, why are we?"

"You really don't know?"

"I really don't know, now tell me why," Remus said, a little irritated.

"But it's so obvious, I don't see how you could possibly miss it –"

"Humor me," Remus said.

"Oh, all right, it's foreshadowing.  Somebody's going to die, okay?"

"What do you mean somebody's going to die?  Nobody's supposed to die."  Remus had another thought.  "Sirius, is it going to be me?"

"You?" Sirius said.  "Hell no.  Half the Gryffindor girls would give you their other kidney if you wanted it.  More likely it'll be me."

"Sirius, you can't die," Remus said.

Sirius looked at him quickly.  "Why not?"

"Would you two please hurry up?" James said.

"Damn you, James," Sirius said.  "Why is my robe swirling?"

"Oh."  Lockhart blushed.  "I forgot to take the spell off."  He strode over to get rid of it.

"Why are there only six people on the Quidditch team?" Remus said irritably to James.

"Benson's sick," he said.  "Bad case of the flu."

"I sure hope he gets better soon," Remus said, scowling at Lockhart.

"All right team," James said.

"This is so exciting," Ellie whispered to Peter.  He squeezed her hand and smiled at her.

"We have to come down from the castle past the lake," James said, "so Remus can see Sirius – dammit, I meant Sebastian – diving for the Snitch."

"Which is when I jump on my broomstick and go heroically to his rescue," Remus said.

"Exactly."

"Um."  Sirius raised his hand.  "Shouldn't I be the one saving her?"

"Christine is the one that dies in the original," James said.  "Besides, she's on the Quidditch team.  You're not."

"Ha ha," Remus said.  "Eat my boots, wardrobe boy."

"But she could just die the way I do," Sirius said.

"She has to die a heroic death," James said.  "One that means something.  If she died because she misjudged a dive and plowed her broomstick into the ground, that wouldn't be terribly heroic, now would it?"

"Fine," Sirius said.  "Only I thought I was supposed to be the hero."

"James made you the wardrobe boy, so you're going to be the wardrobe boy," James snapped.  "Now can we please just rehearse the stupid scene?"

"Thanks a bundle, bouffant boy," Sirius said to Lockhart as he got on his broomstick.  James hmphed and swept off toward the castle, the rest of the Quidditch team trailing him.

"Okay," Sirius yelled.  He was hovering fifty feet above the ground in the exact center of the pitch.  "I'm up here, James, what do I do now?"

"Fly around," James bellowed.  "Show off, you know how.  We're going to start coming down slowly, and when we pass that big tree –"

Sirius was plunging toward the ground.

"What are you _doing_ you godforsaken fool?" James bellowed.  "We're not there yet."

Remus jumped onto his broom and took off.

Sirius pulled up just before he hit the ground, and tumbled onto the grass.  When Remus got there he was just sitting up.  There was something shiny in his hand.

"I left one of my vials in my pocket by accident," Sirius said.  "It fell out."

"I'm going to kill you," Remus said, wanting to die.

Sirius grinned.  "Why don't you want me to die again?"

James came running up to them.  "That was perfect," he said.  "Except Sirius, you need to wait until we pass the tree and Remus, you need to actually save him."

"If he wants to kill me, I'm not going to stop him," Remus said.

"You're not listening," James said.  "I said –"

"I heard," Remus said.  "Sirius, if you ever do that again I'm going to smash all of your vials."

"But I have to," Sirius said, looking woefully confused.  "It's part of the play."

"If you don't understand, I'm not about to explain," Remus said.  He whirled around, intending to leave, and noticed that the Gryffindor girls were taking up an entire section of the bleachers.  Remus thought he saw Leslie Bank among them.  He turned back to Sirius and James.

"Can we try that again from the top?" he said.

Sirius stared at him.  "Remus," he said, "is there something wrong?"

Remus gave him a bright hard smile.  "Isn't it obvious?" he said.

%%%

"James," said James.

"What is it?" Lockhart said.

"Don't you think this name thing is getting rather annoying?"

"I'm so glad you mentioned it," Lockhart said.  "I was afraid you'd be offended if I suggested calling you Joseph.  Just to avoid confusion, you know."

James scowled.  "Of course, Gilderoy."  He paused, slightly annoyed by the lack of response.  "Actually, Gilderoy, there was something else I wanted to discuss with you."

"What is it, Joseph?"

"Does it strike you, Gilderoy, that Sirius and Remus have been acting odd lately?"

"How so, Joseph?"

"Well, they've been spending an awful lot of time together, you know, Gilderoy."

Lockhart leaned forward, balancing his chin on his hands, and a lock of slick silvery hair drooped into his eye.  "Hot damn," he yelped, clawing at it.  "I can't freaking see."

"Do you use Gobman's Hair Tonic by any chance?" James inquired.

"Yes, actually."  Lockhart managed to look sheepish even while scrubbing madly at his eye.

"Toxic stuff, Gobman's," James said knowingly.  "Last year I finally got sick of staining my robes with it, so I tried Sleekeazy's and let me tell you, that stuff's a miracle.  Say, d'you know the counter to Conjunctivitis?"

"Course I do."  
"That should take care of it for you."

"Be right back."  Lockhart bumbled to his feet and fled to the bathroom.  Five minutes later he returned, walking normally.

"Better?"

"Yeah.  I owe you one, Potter."  Lockhart sat down again, crossing his legs trimly at the ankle.  "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"Remus and Sirius –"

"Yes," Lockhart said, "but I don't quite see the problem.  What possible difference could it make to you how they spend their time?"

"But doesn't it seem a bit – suspicious?"

Both of Lockhart's precisely plucked eyebrows shot into his drooping hair.  "What exactly are you implying, Potter?"

"Well, I'll tell you."  James leaned forward too, using his best crafty look.  "I think there's romance brewing downstairs."

"Potter, I'm shocked," Lockhart said.  "Remus and Black don't seem at all the type."

"That's where you're wrong," James said.  "I know for absolute certain that Sirius is not only capable but willing to brew a Love Potion."

"You think it's a Love Potion?" Lockhart said, unable to entirely suppress a snigger.  "You simple-minded fool."

"Why, what do you think they're making?" James challenged.

Lockhart shook his head, smirking.  "I shouldn't tell you, it'll give you a heart attack."

"Come on," James whined, "now you have to say."

"I'm telling you, it'll give you nightmares for weeks."

"Is it worse than Polyjuice?"

Lockhart sniggered some more.  "Potter, for all your devious little plots, you can be shockingly innocent sometimes."

"Please."  James rolled his eyes.  "I've seen more arms broken than I've beheaded caterpillars, which by the way is a lot.  Plus I've seen Peter stark naked.  Nothing you can say would shock me."

Lockhart made a nauseated face.  "God, Potter, do you want to make me sick?  Be a good chap and let's talk about something else."

"Not until you tell me what Sirius and Remus are making."

"For the last time, will you just forget about it?"

"Fine."  James stood up.  "If you won't tell me, I'm going to go spy on them and find out anyway."

Lockhart stood up too.  "Oh no you aren't."

"What's stopping me?"

"You don't know the Invisibility spell," Lockhart said.

"Damn," James said.  The cloak was one of the few things Lockhart didn't know about him, and he rather wanted to keep it that way.  "I guess you're right," James said.  He sank back into the couch and pretended to drop the subject.

Of course he was now more curious than ever to find out the deep and despicable secret that all of his friends seemed to be keeping from him.  So the next day after class James dug out his cloak and left for the potions lab so he could get settled in before Remus and Sirius arrived to brew their dastardly potion.

The door was, of course, locked.  James shrugged and blew the door apart with a spell, stepped over the threshold, and reassembled the door, securing it carefully back into the doorframe.  "What a cretin that boy is," James reflected smugly, and turned to survey the room.  He selected the corner with the best view of the workbench and slid silently across the flagstones.  He then tripped over something and pitched full-length onto the floor.

"Hot damn," Lockhart's disembodied head said.  "Potter?"

James realized, with another shock, that his own hood had slipped off his head.  "They ought to put drawstrings in these idiot hoods," he said lamely.

"Nice cloak, Potter."

"Same to you, you duplicit snake," James said, and Lockhart's grin widened a notch.  "What on _earth_ are you doing here?"

"I have to tell you what's going on with Remus and Black so you don't blow our cover," Lockhart said.  "Now listen here, Potter, this is going to be hard for your innocent mind to comprehend –"

There were scrabbling noises at the door.

"Curse you, Potter, you forgot to lock it," Lockhart hissed, replacing his hood and scooting farther into the corner.  James flipped his own hood up and joined Lockhart.

"This is my personal space, you weirdo," Lockhart hissed.  "Get your own corner."

"I wonder why they didn't lock it," Peter said in a puzzled voice, pushing open the door.

"Oh well," Ellie said.  "All the better for us."  She swung the door shut.

"I think I'm going to be sick," James murmured in Lockhart's ear.

"Ward that, will you?" Ellie said.  "I don't want them walking in."

"If this makes you sick, you're going to lose it in chunks when Remus and Black get here," Lockhart murmured.

"For the last time, what _are_ you on about?"

More scuffling at the door.  "Who put these wards on?" Sirius said suspiciously.

"God, I love this," Lockhart said with a relish.

"You're such a voyeur," James said.  "Oh hell, I guess I am too."

"That's why we get on so well," Lockhart said complacently.

Peter and Ellie had frozen.

"It's probably a trap," Remus said calmly.

"I suppose you think the Quidditch girls are lying in wait for you," Sirius snapped.

"There are more dangerous people in this world than a few crazed girls," Remus said.

All six of them were quiet while Sirius worked it out.

"Remus, do you really think –"

"I don't know," he said.  "Can you break the wards?"

"Of course," Sirius said.  "But Remus, in case I die, I just want you to know –"

Lockhart snorted, rather too loudly.

Peter whirled around, grasping his wand.  "Who's there?"

"Is that Pete?" Sirius said.

"Well, he's no Dark wizard," Remus said cheerfully, and blasted open the door.

"Hello there, you two," Sirius said, eyeing Peter and Ellie with revulsion.  "Good of you to open up the lab for us."

Peter gestured to the corner with his wand.  "There's somebody over there," he said.

"Well, go on," Sirius said.  "Blast them into oblivion."

Peter lowered his wand, scowling.  "That's your job, dung brain."

"Fine."  Sirius pulled out his wand and showered the corner with ice water.

"Shit," James yelped, leaping like a salmon.

Sirius rolled his eyes.  "Take the cloak off, please."

He did.  "I hate you all," he said, and stormed off.

"I'm very sorry," Sirius said to Peter and Ellie, "but could you two please find another room?  It shouldn't be too hard, this school must have a hundred empty classrooms."

They left, reluctantly.  Sirius locked the door behind them.

"Now," he said, "where were we?"

Lockhart's eyes considered falling out of his head, but then they decided to stick around and watch.

Remus leaned against the wall and shoved his hands into his pockets.  "Something about if you died," he said.  "What did you want me to know?"

"Oh."  Sirius blushed.  "Just that if I died, you could take whatever of my stuff you wanted."

"Even your cauldrons?"

"Yeah."

Remus gave him another searching look and said, "How about we get started?"

"Of course," Sirius said.  And much to Lockhart's astonishment, they actually began mixing a potion.

"Well, I was wrong," Lockhart thought, watching Remus sort thorns and Sirius crush wolfsbane.  "They aren't in love after all."

Two long and boring hours later, Sirius and Remus finally left to let the potion boil.  Lockhart stretched carefully and went over to the workbench, hoping to discover what potion they were making, and particularly if it was illegal.  However, he was disappointed; there was not a scrap of parchment except for one bit scribbled over with cryptic notations in Sirius's cryptic hand.  That meant one of two things: either they had both memorized the recipe, or they were experimenting with something new altogether.  Frowning deeply, Lockhart returned to Gryffindor.

"So?" James greeted him.  "Were you wrong?"

"I couldn't find out what they were doing," Lockhart admitted, sitting down next to James.  "Potions isn't exactly my area of expertise."

James snorted, but let it pass.  "What exactly were they putting in it?"

Lockhart listed off everything he could remember, and James almost smiled.

"I think I know," he said.

"Well, what is it?"

"You didn't tell me when you thought you knew, so I'm not going to tell you," James said gleefully.  "That's only fair, don't you think?"

"Gryffindors are such bastards," Lockhart said, earning himself a few black looks from others in the common room.  "All this crap about fair play –"

"It can be quite useful sometimes," James said, smirking.  "You could learn a lot from Gryffindor."

"Learn a lot from you, you mean."

James was about to reply when Remus came downstairs.

"Lovely day," Lockhart greeted him.

"Maybe," Remus said, "if you like rain."  He left.

"It's no use," James said.

"What's no use?"

"Remus doesn't want to be your friend."

"What makes you think I want Remus to be my friend?" Lockhart snapped.  "He obviously hates me."

"That doesn't seem to stop you."  James was still smirking.  "Slytherins never know when to quit."

"You're being a prat," Lockhart informed him.  "And stop hogging the cushions."

James just smiled beatifically.  "I know what they're making," he said.

"I'd like to kill you," Lockhart said, "but you just aren't worth the effort."

%%%

To Be Continued

%%%

Acknowledgments: Since I've never played Quidditch, I based that scene on my experience in the Marching 110. Yeah, so what, I'm obsessed. Also, I would like to thank **thistlemeg** because her review for the last chapter gave me a really brilliant idea. (Speaking of which, why didn't I get any evil e-mails about not posting for over a month? People, you disappoint me.) So yeah, that should show up in part seven.  I am having huge doubts about this story, but since I'm on spring break, maybe I'll actually get something done on it instead of just stewing.

Now this is just me ranting about the evils of Potter fanfiction, so feel free to skip if you like.

A Couple of Things that Piss Me Off.

1) Stories that spend the first few paragraphs telling me things I already know, namely what Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is, and Quidditch, and the Dursleys, and such like trivia.  I would just like to say to these authors: I _have_ read the books you know… and you're boring me.

2) Stories in which Hermione is suddenly of age during her fifth year for the purposes of having a relationship with Snape, or someone of his generation.  Okay, the Time Turner shtick was ingenious the first time, but it's still impossible. I figured this out once – if Hermione re-did two hours every day for all of her third year (assuming a 180-day school year), that is _still_ only fifteen days.  So don't go making her a year and a half older please. 

All right, I feel better, now stop listening to me and review.


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